I Carried A Banana

Hilarity From Your Desk

2011-02-11T12:07:00.000-08:00

Today I discovered the gem that is Signspotting.com and was beyond happy.

Better hurry!

Bizarre signs and dismembered stick figures are one my favorite things to photograph on vacation! (I blame Mike Neff for this habit, although somewhere along the way I've forgotten why...)

In any case, it reminded me that I've been wanting to make an addendum to my list of funny websites. People are consistently sending me links to bizarre and silly sites so my bookmark folder is immense. These are just the ones that I like the most!

The Oatmeal

Hyperbole and a Half

Stuff White People Like

Why Did You Buy Me That

That is Priceless

Crappy Taxidermy

Shit My Kids Ruined

Positive Momentum

2011-01-07T13:04:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year internets!

So looking back, I was a complete failure at goal numero uno in 2010... to blog... and for that I apologize!

However, despite also failing at goals number four through eight, 2010 was a downright fantastic year! Highlights certainly include amazing trips to Montreal, Chicago, the west coast swing through Portland, Napa, and San Fran, a 40th Anniversary shin dig for mom and dad, FIGMENT, dancing my ass off at Further Festival with Mike Piergrossi, St. Patrick's Day with the Insane Clown Posse, the 2nd Annual Bad Bridesmaid Dress Pub Crawl, and my awesome 33rd birthday party at the crazy Russian nightclub, The National!

While all of these were amazing experiences, I think what solidified 2010 as a great year was a complete attitude shift. I decided to control what I could control, avoid things I knew were stressful, and find the fun and ridiculous in everything. So in an effort to continue this positive momentum, I thought I'd lay out some goals for this year. So as not to disappoint, I'm not including blogging as an actual goal, but I do hope to write with more frequency than four measly posts in 365 days. That's just pathetic.

1) Join a gym and Weight Watchers and lose 20 pounds. In past years I have not set a specific goal for weight loss, so perhaps a number will help? All I know is that I hate the way I look and it's time to do something about it.

1.5) Complete "Couch to 5K" program. I know a bunch of chubby out of shape people who have successfully completed these programs. I think it would be good for me... even though I detest running.

2) Support breast cancer research. I'm not sure if this will involve a fund raising walk or something else, but I know too many amazing women, including my awesome Aunt Jeanne, that have suffered at the hands of this disease. If you are participating or organizing something this year, feel free to recruit me.

3) Finish a project management certificate program at NYU and pass the PMP certification exam. I'm all registered for my first of five classes. Now I just have to remember how to read, study and...write. I haven't used my brain in a meaningful way in a long time. To be honest, I'm nervous!

3.5) Apply for jobs in project management and get the hell out of the museum ghetto. To put it bluntly: WORKING FOR MUSEUMS SUCKS. I'm over it. It's time to get paid.

4) See more live music. I live in NYC and my friend Rachel is always trying to get me to come with her to some concert or another! I love live music and I want to make this more of a priority.

5) Take a comedy improv class. I never got around to this in 2010 and still really want to try. We'll see if I have time or money considering my school and FIGMENT time commitments.

6) Recommit to FIGMENT. While many of you heard me whine and complain while I was volunteering last year, in the end this was a positive experience. I met some amazing talented people, it led to a new lucrative part-time job and it ultimately got me in gear to go back to school. Plus, the weekend itself was a total hoot. I mean, who doesn't like girls in neon spandex dancing on a pile of bagel s?

7) Grow balls and put my name in the hat for The Moth. Last year I got close but chickened out when I saw the crowd of 200 people. This year I'll do a few shots of liquid courage and get my ass on stage.

8) Never again waste another random "I love you" or " I miss you" on anyone that doesn't deserve it! This is actually a goal focused on having better judgment in people. Enough said.

9) Keep up with Meatless Mondays. I suppose this is partially a cop out since I've been doing this awhile, but I like to have an achievable goal! On a side note, all my food industry interest led to a slight addiction to documentaries last year. I learned a lot of interesting stuff in 2010!

10) "Poop Free In 2011!!!". Obviously this is more of a wish than a goal, but I believe 2010 was better because the fucking birds didn't poison me with their special brand of loving! Let's see if I can go two years in a row! (Knocking... wood...)

PS - Here's hoping my New Years Eve fortune comes true in 2011!

Another Social Casualty?

2010-02-05T09:24:00.001-08:00

Initial reports on the recent Rolling Stone article about John Mayer were frighteningly cringe worthy. There were lines so bad it made me ponder if he still had a living mom that knew how to read! Quotes such as "Blowing me off is the new sucking me off” and “I am the new generation of masturbator. I’'ve seen it all. Before I make coffee, I'’ve seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week.” blew my mind!

But after perusal of the full article this morning, I sighed in relief that he hadn't dug himself a career crypt...this time. Despite the annoying requisite mentions of JM's relationships with Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Anniston, I think the article's author actually got to the heart of the artist, or at least the version of him that I've come to admire. In addition to offering partial explanations for why John is a mental case, he also reminded everyone to "realize that, above all else, he means well and is simply, in the end, trying to find his way, as best he can."

I'm not entirely sure why I've got such a soft spot for JM. By all standards he's not my cup of tea with his cheese ball "your body is a wonderland" sensitive teeny girl fluff, but the majority of his music and funny personal quirks have a solid little place in my heart. And despite his proclivity for running his mouth to his own detriment, I love the fact that he puts himself out there in honest real ways like occasional stints of stand-up comedy (something I'm still working up enough courage to try) and writing frequently about farts and poop on his Twitter account!

Maybe I identify with him because we're the same age, have been through some ugly relationships, and are both still searching for that ever elusive "life partner". Maybe I’m just a more of a girlie girl than I believe because I admittedly identify with his sappy overly emotional lyrics. Or possibly he sticks with me because his first album was a small point of joy during the sad months after the death of my grandparents.

But perhaps I love JM because my first exposure came during the pre-tabloid Inside Wants Out beginnings of his career. (For certain, tracks like Back To You and his stark eerie acoustic cover of Radiohead's Kid A speak to me more than yawn worthy tunes like War of My Life from his new album.) And meeting him when he was a virtual unknown, I suffered my first bit of stunned star struck silence while he signed a photo during a very small in-store event. (I think I was also experiencing a total fit of jealousy towards the woman in front of me who received a big hug and photo with him as he tried to increase/alleviate her beet red uncomfortable presence in front of him.) In any case, I find it hilarious that I suffered (and continue to feel) my first NKOTB like obsession at 26 for an unknown singer song writer!

Or hell, maybe I crush on the dude because he's just really fucking cute!

Either way, I know on my list of top five people I'd most like to hang out (and smoke a joint) with, John certainly makes the cut. Seeing as he lives in Soho just down the street from The Drawing Center, maybe someday he'll pop into work and check it off my bucket list!

When The Morning Comes

2010-01-16T11:25:00.001-08:00

I would not describe 2009 as my best year. I struggled through salary reductions, new roommate growing pains, mild depression, job rejection, and a series of unfortunate health issues. However, there were certainly highlights including my awesome trip with PJ to London, the addition of my new nephew Tanner, an awesome Wine and Swine weekend in the Hudson Valley, the Inaugural Bad Bridesmaid Dress Pub Crawl and the discovery of Battlecrack. In the light of hindsight, what was lacking seems to be motivation and structure.

So I've returned in 2010 to writing out a set of goals for the new year. Different than resolutions, these are things I can accomplish at any point in the 12 months. So as my good friend Kelly wrote, "Behold! My hopes and dreams for 2010!"

1) Blog. In 2009 I missed writing. I missed having interactions with random people in the virtual world. I missed seeing stats showing that weirdos who Googled “banana anal” or “banana intercourse” had somehow landed on my silly blog! While I don't plan to set myself themes or deadlines, I am planning to review nerdy books and music a little. Also, in an effort to grow balls to tell a story in public at The Moth, I thought I could write out some of my funny and frequently recounted stories. Ya know, put some writer mojo on them? Thus far the biggest challenge seems to be identifying stories that protect identities of my accomplices and are Dad friendly. So stay tuned because "Sunday Stories" is under construction.

2) Take a basic photography class. I know how to compose a photo, but I don't know how to technically use a camera. I get pissed when a composition I envision fails based on lack of technical “know how” and my lame point and shoot camera. I’m determined to learn the basics on my borrowed Cannon G9 (love you PJ!) and eventually upgrade to a big girl camera… when I find a sugar daddy or win the lotto.

3) Attend "Meet Ups". I belong to a bunch of interesting groups for things like urban hikers, science fiction readers, sky diving (also a 2010 wish list item) and wine tasting. I want to actually get my ass to some of these events in the hopes of meeting new people. I'm done with co-ed sports for the time being thanks to that pesky broken foot.

4) Write a Journal. What I miss most about a 365 blog is the forced self reflection. Perhaps this will help.

5) Take a Comedy Improv Class. People tell me I’m funny. Maybe now I’ll find out from the professionals. This goal is totally dependent on funding and finding an affordable class for total novices in this comedy city.

6) Eat Healthy and Exercise More. This really translates to “Stop being a fat ass!” or ‘Fit into your pants, chubby!” Considering I can't afford a gym and it's balls cold here, this will prove a challenge. But I plan to eat less and do shit like dance around my room and do sit ups... or something. Also, in an effort to help the environment I’ve enacted Meatless Mondays.

7) Volunteer. I’ve been feeling the need to give back for awhile. Being single and childless, the best resource I can offer is my time. In addition, besides being good for the world, it’s a way to meet new like minded people and perhaps network my way into a different career.

8) Read the Sunday New York Times. I am woefully ignorant of world events and so many conversations in New York start with “I was reading the Times this Sunday and…”

9) Keep Up With Adopt A Neighborhood. I sort of fell down on the job in 2009. I let work and depression talk me out of several neighborhoods last year. If you are interested in hosting or have thoughts for places to visit in 2010, get in touch. So far the list of neighborhoods is:
Chelsea
Sunset Park
Greenpoint
Brighton Beach
Ozone Park
Forrest Hills
Wave Hill
Harlem East

10) Career Therapy And Renewed Job Search. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. But I do know I'm over the art world and desperately want to make real money. However, lacking a direction, I'm having a difficult time focusing forward moving efforts. So step one involves reading What Color Is My Parachute and investigating some sort of career therapy. After that, network, apply and cross my fingers.

11) Stay Positive. Remember to look for the humor in things. And when in doubt watch this video and smile!

Meatless Mondays

2010-01-10T20:48:00.000-08:00

I've done a decent amount of reading surrounding the horrifying state of the US food industry. I've been thoroughly disgusted by everything relating to the production of meat and frightened by my total ignorance of issues facing American farmers. As summarized by Laura Miller in this Salon.com article "In brief, our current meat-heavy system of food production is unsustainable, a waste of resources and a source of pollution in the form of pesticides and hormones as well as methane gas from livestock manure. Our over reliance on a few big crops (especially corn and soy) depletes the soil, demanding the use of ever greater quantities of chemical fertilizers, whose manufacture requires massive amounts of fossil fuel. The foods produced by agribusiness, in the form of highly processed flours, fats and -- above all -- high-fructose corn syrup, have little nutritional value and foster a host of health problems, including diabetes, heart disease and high blood pressure as well as obesity. The industries fabricating these foods have bought and paid for American politicians and government agencies, costing taxpayers billions of dollars per year in subsidies and other benefits paid to businesses who profit while eroding the public's health."

But that doesn't mean I'm willing to totally give up a good bacon cheeseburger...

So, part of my 2010 goals (coming soon) involve challenging myself to eat better and follow Michael Pollen's rule to "Eat food, not too much, mostly plants". This is a two fold challenge to improve my own health (ie: stop being a fat ass) and do my part to help the environment. Since it's not in my current budget to go totally organic, I'm starting with baby steps.

All advocates agree that reducing the consumption of meat and animal products is the easiest and most effective way to lessen my impact on the system. It has the added benefit of being better for my health. While my co-worker has been following Mark Bittman's idea of reducing his animal product consumption to just one meal a day, I can't realistically see myself giving up milk on cereal, yogurt with granola, or the occasional eggs for breakfast.

So I've decided to start by reducing my overall consumption of meat in conjunction to going totally vegetarian at least once a week, specifically Mondays. I'm also going to push myself to shop more at local Farmer's Markets and try and eat more things in season.

If you are interested in learning more, be sure to pick up Michael Pollen's books Omnivore's Dilemma and In Defense of Food, Eric Schlosser's Fast Food Nation, and Mark Bittman's Food Matters. If you're too busy to read, Netflix yourself a copy of Food Inc. The images of the chicken farms and cattle yards should be enough to shock yourself into action.

Cheap Laughs At A Cheaper Price

2010-01-09T08:57:00.001-08:00

Why hello, 2010. Nice to meet you. Goal #1: Return to the world of blogging. Check.

Whipped Banana Cock Nut Huggers for Cheap Laughs At A Cheaper Price

In 2010 laughter is a priority. So I'd like to share my list of hilarious sites that elicit a chuckle or five in my day! If I've missed any secret gems from your collection, be sure to share them in the comments!

Fail Blog

Regretsy

I Can Haz Cheezburger

People Of Walmart

Bad Engrish

This is why you're fat

Pets Who Want to Kill Themselves

That is Priceless

Cake Wrecks

Texts From Last Night

Fuck You Penguin

Snacks and Shit

STFU, Marrieds

Adopt A Neightborhood - Soho

2009-03-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

This month's Adopt A Neighborhood followed the January tradition of art gallery hopping to stay warm. We bounced around Soho and ended with plenty of beers at Tribecca Tavern.

Demonic door covered in old graffiti.

I fart in your general direction.
Cast iron buildings bask in sunlight.

Receivin, spelled wrong for many years.

Corner of Canal Street and Wooster.

Bad Bridesmaid Dress Pub Crawl

2009-03-15T19:39:00.000-07:00

I finally found some ladies willing to don bad bridesmaid dresses and gallivant around town. I can not begin to describe the hilarity that ensued, so hopefully these photos will suffice.

Everyone wears a bad bridesmaid dress. Ten ladies, ten dresses, five bars!

Place mats stuffed in ridiculous sleeves.

Another successful third Friday for Sarah.

Around Town VI

2009-03-15T19:01:00.000-07:00

Villanova Cats versus Seaton Hall Pirates.

Newark shown in black and white.

Mr. Spock in blue eye shadow.

Black Minor League in Washington, DC.

Attack Kitty is coming for you. Attack kitty takes on some fishes.

Snow around a drain in Soho.

Festivus For The Restivus

2009-03-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

Festivus For The Restivus

An inflatable New Years Eve date.

Funny that the sign says ORANGE!

Crosby likes riding the DC Metro.

Framed Kramer, check. Metal pole, check. This pretty much sums it up.

Life In Fast Forward

2009-03-03T13:05:00.000-08:00

In an effort to get caught up and back on the blog horse, I decided to post photos of my life in the fashion of Six Word Memoirs.

Christmas with the Martin's.

We wonder why Americans are fat.

Gram and Dad make lead balls.

New kid survives the sauerbraten challenge.

He'll probably wear with pink shorts.

My Gram is cuter than yours.

Christmas morning means lots of bacon.

Beavis and Beavis love each other.

Adopt A Neighborhood - Santa Hat Pub Crawl 2008

2009-01-26T19:43:00.000-08:00

Yo, what up? Crosby here. Back again for the 4th Annual Santa Hat Pub Crawl. My night started out as per usual, with a photo outside Miss Banana's apartment. This year we walked through the snowy weather to local pubs in Park Slope.

Our first bar was Buttermilk on 5th Ave and 16th Street.

At the second bar I was super happy to find literature for my peeps.

(And, I was able to hide my bear porn from prying bartender eyes.)

Hooray bear friendly Commonwealth!

On the way to Loki Lounge I asked everyone to come on ride the train...and ride it.

At Dram Shop, I totally ruled the pool table...

the shuffle boards...

and got some loving from some fine ass bitches.

On the way to O'Connor's I took some time to play in the snow.

I was totally upside down and twisted at this point! I wasn't feeling so well thanks to a trip through the christmas tree packing machine!

Consequently, all I remember of Sheep Station and 4th Ave Pub is more beer, some crumpled dollar bills and lots of shots.

Miss Banana and I were literally deflated by the end of the event. But a good time was had by all and you can look through the full set of photos here.

Until next time...Grrrrrrrrrr.

Happy Obama Day!

2009-01-20T10:47:00.000-08:00

Here's to a new beginning and fun Shepard Fairey creations!

Taco-bama.

December Part III

2009-01-13T21:12:00.001-08:00

December 14th - Evan Moves In and Mel Gets Old

Sporting a really stellar Santacon hangover, I helped my new roommate move in all morning. Then I made a labor intensive carrot cake (filled with love) for the very demanding birthday diva Mel.

We had a little shin dig complete with pizza, cake, and chocolate martinis.

December 15th - TDC Holiday Dinner

I knew my boss was great, but I liked him ever so much more when he brought the staff to Nha Trang (a favorite haunt of mine) for a holiday feast. Bowls of steaming pho, crispy squid, thin barbecue pork chops, and hollow vegetable all made their way to our table.

However, the clear favorite dish was whole market fish swimming in oniony goodness.

It was also a belated 40th birthday celebration for him, complete with a little Fifty Cent serenade.

December 19th - 3rd Friday

My friend Sarah hosted her monthly ladies night at The Rabbit Hole in the west village. It's one of those places you would never know existed unless someone told you it was there.

This cozy little joint also has an interesting bathroom.

After a few drinks with the girls, I met my friend Taz (who had been away for about a month) for some pre-holiday Kati Rolls and several glasses of wine at V Bar.

Ho! Ho! Ho-ly SANTACON! (2008 Edition)

2009-01-13T21:11:00.001-08:00

December 13th was that time of year again. Time to dress like an idiot, spread holiday spirit, drink beer out of paper bags in public, and participate in the most ridiculous day long street performance called Santacon!

Sadly for me, the morning of the happiest day of the year began with Emily's big move. After five fun years together, she left our leaking tub and occasional mice infestation for a grown up apartment in Virginia. We thought it a fitting summary of our roommate relationship that in our final photo I'm dressed like an asshole while she holds a plunger.
Miss Farmer, I'm gonna miss you!

Thankfully I immediately drowned my sorrows in holiday shenanigans. This year, I brought two new Santas into the tradition. Here they are enjoying the first beer of the day.

Along our trek to Grand Central Station we encountered several clever holiday themed costumes.

We also posed for NYC themed photos to be used as Christmas cards.

Had my ambitions of snail mail holiday cheer been realized, my card would have read:
"Making a list and checking it twice makes me thirsty. Happy Holidays. Love Santa."

While relaxing with our beer, we watched this idiot climb to the top of the boat mast in South Street Seaport amidst cheers of "Santa's getting arrested! Santa's getting arrested!"

As the afternoon wore on, Santa convened, we got drunk, and we met some weirdos.

First of all, AJ and Martin were given little holiday gifts by a strange elf...at the urinal.

We conversed... briefly... with these super creepy Ninja Santas.

Jesus arrived on his cell phone to cries of "Happy Birthday" all around!

Martin, who was loudly called "Mexican Santa" by an obnoxious tourist mother, got a chance to hang out with fake Mexican Santa.

In addition to plenty of Santas practicing capoeira, DJ Santa and a break dance crew arrived on the scene for some light hearted entertainment.

I was thrilled to see that Santa can now forgo the ubiquitous brown paper bag in favor of festive appropriate beer cozies.

Santa then took a ride on the 4:30 Staten Island Ferry...

just in time to catch the December sunset on NYC harbour.

Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo was spreading holiday cheer to residents of Staten Island.

Upon our return to Manhattan, at the corner of Canal and Lafayette, Santa could buy "Warm" Stuff.

However, this Santa decided to buy much needed dumplings instead.

After a few more bars (yes, more bars), Drunk Santa made a brief appearance at Sue's swanky 30th birthday / housewarming shin dig! Many apologies were said the nexy day!

All in all, it was a bittersweat drunken fun silly day. You can click here to see all 204 photos from the day! Ho! Ho! Ho!

December Part 1

2009-01-13T20:46:00.000-08:00

It has gotten to be quite a habit of mine to write these big overview blog posts. In 2009, I resolve to be a little better about keeping things up to date. In the meantime, as per my November update, more photos less blather.

December 2nd - Kickball Playoffs

I'm still in denial that I played an outdoor sport next to the East River in December. However, bolstered by the frigid temperatures, The Devil's Rejects won their first post season game and scored a bid to play another week for a shot at the league title!

Who could deny this menace to sobriety?

Needless to say, much celebrating was done this evening.

December 5th - Visit by Steve and Jennifer

Because they are nuts for NASCAR (don't ask me why anyone likes to watch something go in a circle 300 times), my brother and sister in law came down for some sort of meet the drivers/cars event in Times Square. After drooling over Jimmy Johnson, I met them for celebratory drinks around town. At the last bar on our illustrious tour, we met Uma Thurman's brother, Gandan (who will forever be known as Gandalf to us). (Actual photo of him coming soon.)

December 6th - Holiday visit with Aunt Jeanne and Gram
with special guest appearance by Mom and Dad

Unlike last year, our annual ladies day was interrupted by one birthday boy spending his brand spanking new Social Security paycheck on booze!

Birthday celebrations = lots and lots of pre-Broadway show Manhattans for this crew.

Warmed by beverages and corny musical tunes, we made our annual trek through the holiday madness at Bryant Park! (My Gram is so cute.)

December 7th - Final FEAST - Farmer Foods

With heavy hearts and empty stomachs, FEAST bid adieu to founder, Emily. In honor of her culinary skills and creative themes, everyone brought their A game (and meat products) to a dinner inspired by her favorite foods. This glorious centerpiece was a reference to her total adoration of diet coke and pranks on The Office.

Seeing as I took no flattering photos of Herself, this image of meat glory will have to suffice.

December 9th - Kickball Finals

To summarize:
It was cold. We lost our game. I rode a bicycle built for two with Santa.

Santa got molested.

I drank way too many beers and Martin had to put me in a cab.
The end.

OK Go

2008-12-23T10:37:00.000-08:00

I was recently telling someone about my few year stint as an usher at the Beacon Theatre (pre-renovations). While seating cranky church ladies for Tyler Perry plays and dealing with screaming children during three daily runs of Winnie the Pooh were mind melting, occasionally I was introduced to an enjoyable and unknown musical act.

Never was I more surprised and happy to discover a band than OK GO. These raw rock dudes put on a fun enthusiastic show as the opening act for...James Taylor. Now, the audience for JT is primarily white middle aged suburban types seeking a quiet listening experience. I couldn't quite fathom how the two acts had been paired on the same bill.

Neither could the band.

So, after a brief statement that the reason James Taylor's audience would like them was not their musical virtuosity but their ability to dance, the band closed the curtain and preformed this:

They became You Tube sensations and followed up with this a few months later:

Today when revisiting these old favorites, I found yet another amazing OK GO video:

I can not wait for their new album.

November Part II

2008-12-17T09:29:00.001-08:00

In an effort to wrap up this month - more photos and less words. SO, the end of November brought us to the fair shores of Staten Island for Adopt A Neighborhood - Weird Trolley Tour.

For just $15 we were driven around and learned such facts as: Langston Hughes was once an onion farmer on Shaolin.

The only privately owned lake in the entire state of NY resides near the Staten Island expressway. It also has a carriage sunk at the bottom from a western movie.

The Staten Island zoo has more reptiles than any other zoo in the country. This is apparently due to a donation of 90 turtles given by our tour guide's weird friend.

The only self discovered fact: It's fucking cold near the Verrazano bridge in November.

I knew pizza was the real reason to travel to the weirdest borough with the largest Italian American population, so we hit up the local bus to Denino's. Their garbage pie was great, but as mentioned in my previous post, I'm still a Grimaldi's girl through and through.

Tasty hot greasy pizza located on the corner of Hooker Place....coincidence? I think not. Full set of photos here.

Kickball. Kickball. Kickball. How my liver hates you.

Everyone in this photo is a hot mess.

Which brings me to a glutton's favorite holiday. Trevor was not amused by our gift of Wild Turkey on his dinner plate.

God I love this holiday.

Gram gives us all cards each year. This time she obviously didn't think about her audience when choosing. This is Andrew before we all lost our shit cracking up.

This was his card. On the inside it said "God bless. Love Gram." and there was a $20 bill. I told him he better buy himself some giblet protectors!

Oh yeah, and my aunt had these creepy/cute little hand crafted owls all over the place. I like this photo. (Family, click here for the full set of photos.)

Around Town VI - November 18th

2008-12-16T21:10:00.000-08:00

This is a series of photos I like to call "WTF New York?" taken during a night of heavy drinking and bitching with my friend Michael Lee.

I don't know about you, but I want 60 mins of "Body Work".

We were so confused photos of our feet started to look normal.

November Part I

2008-12-16T19:22:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a quick November wrap up because it's already December 16th and my days are getting away from me faster than these guys ran the marathon.

So the first of the month consisted of a Saturday helping Beth and Ralph move to their new apartment while rocking a massive Halloween hangover. Sunday morning we all reconvened to watch our friends Brice and Nicole run past on 4th Ave in Brooklyn.

To celebrate their athletic achievement, the rest of us participated in the massive stomach stretching exercise of brunch. (I basically repeated my menu from PJ's birthday back in April. Needless to say, that whole diet thing isn't exactly working out.)

Later that night, my football team (The NY Vagiants) had a chili and beer night! Joining this random bunch of strangers was one of the best decisions I made all year long. It was a lot of fun!

Tuesday, November 4th brought most city folk (including me) a two hour wait to vote and expectations were running high. Thankfully, instead of mass suicide, all of New York was one giant fucking party! Cab drivers high-fived street celebrators and noisemakers, screaming, honking and general happiness abounded. Here's a video from my friend Adam that explains the vibe better than my meager silly blog words.

Also, this came to my email box the next day and I just loved it!

That weekend PJ came for a two day celebration and hang out. I finally got to check Lombardi's, America's first pizzeria, from my NYC list. It was pretty good, but I'm still a Grimaldi's gal.

After an evening with Kathleen Edwards at Carnegie Hall, PJ took Emily and I out for brunch at Dizzy's. (See what I mean about that diet thing?)

On the 11th I spent a night with The Devil's Rejects doing exactly what I anticipated.

Like playing "People Pong" against Team America.

And taking AWESOME photos like this! (Yes, some genius put crazy drunk kickball kids in the same bar as a mechanical bull!)

But that was the last bit of fun had for quite some time as my life was soon consumed with the unpacking, installation, and arguing with the artist of our upcoming exhibit. This is a photo I sneaked of his notebook (he's famous for filling journals) from the third day of installation.

Yeah, this about sums up my feelings on things too...

Food Hilarity

2008-12-08T20:31:00.000-08:00

Hilarious Vintage Hungarian Sausage Commercial Sent By Funny Man PJ

Bacon Wrapped Turducken...or The Tubaconducken! God Bless you bacon. As Kelly said, "It's a Thanksgiving Miracle!"

Around Town V

2008-12-01T19:04:00.000-08:00

30th Street Station, Philadelphia

Soho Deli Road Kill

Rod Stuart Loves The Hampton's?

Xu Han Wei History

4am Outside The Brazen Head

Whatever Tattoo II

October Part III

2008-12-01T18:28:00.000-08:00

No, I'm not dead. I've just been in what can best be described as a blog funk. I have barely found mental time and physical energy for necessary things like grocery shopping, paying bills and laundry (just dropped off a staggering 35 pounds) let alone playing show and tell online. But since my demanding public pesters...

The end of October was a blur of costume related activities and travels, beginning with a random trip to Philadelphia to visit friends and eat fattening food. (October 24-26th) Friday night Sam, Tim and I had a few cheap beers at Dirty Frank's followed by an interesting meal at the Warsaw Cafe where the meat pirogies were crazy delicious.

This was followed up the next morning with a roast pork sharp provolone and broccoli rabe hoagie from DeNic's in Reading Terminal Market. While this sandwich is supposedly best at Tony's Luke's, this was pretty freakin good.

After a slow crawl through the infamous Philly traffic, I stopped in for a quick visit with some old buddies at a rainy Villanova homecoming tailgate. Ms. Piglet is ginormous, talking up a storm, and totally adorable!

That evening I threw on the only costume in my collection easily packed in a duffel bag and attended an early Halloween party in the burbs with Mr. and Mrs. Packman Lazorik. Good (and random) times.

Halloween (October 31st) fell on a Friday making for extra debauchery and hilarity. This year, political (and last minute) costumes were popular with my crowd. Here's me as Hockey Mom with Joe Six Pack and Joe The Plumber.

And this year, Martin wasn't THE Ugliest Betty, but he came damn close. Man, he makes one super ugly beeotch!

November update coming as soon as I get all my photos in order...

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T12:42:00.000-07:00

Be a slut everyday...

Actual Tubbs!

2008-10-30T18:57:00.001-07:00

This is my favorite fat fat kitty who inspired me to take the photo in Around Town IV.

(Please note the scale of fat cat to shoes.)

How to Freak Out A Cashier At A.C. Moore

2008-10-30T12:01:00.000-07:00

My new kickball team is called The Devil's Rejects and because we are mostly a bunch of indifferent smoking drunk slackers, our recommended team costume for Halloween week was devil horns. Since a vast majority of people know me as (Miss) Banana I thought this would be a silly theme variation.

The best part of this creation was the look on the cashier's face at A.C. Moore when I came to the register with nothing to purchase but two fake plastic bananas.

Intercourse

2008-10-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

Some friends of mine post these Dinosaur Comics on a message board now and then. This one was particularly funny...

(Click to enlarge and laugh.)

SUM Pumpkin

2008-10-30T10:14:00.000-07:00

As carved by Sam and sent to me with the following comments:

To answer the obvious questions:
1) yes, this project was every bit as fulfilling as i'd hoped. maybe more.
2) DEFINITELY use garlic powder in addition to salt the next time you roast pumpkin seeds. it's delicious.
3) because i can.

Around Town IV

2008-10-29T12:17:00.000-07:00

Hamburger Helper Milk?

Tubbs!

Riding Home

Port Authority

Gotham

Adopt A Neighborhood - The Heights

2008-10-28T08:08:00.000-07:00

This month I ran an ambitious Adopt A Neighborhood combining both Washington Heights (named for Fort Washington at the highest point on Manhattan island) and Morningside Heights.

My first stop (I was flying solo at this point) was the Morris-Jumel Mansion. Built in 1765 for Colonel Roger Morris and his wife Mary Philipse as their summer residence, this mansion changed hands numerous times. Because of the strategic location overlooking central Manhattan, George Washington used it as headquarters during the autumn 1776 Battle of Harlem Heights. Eventually the house was saved from neglect by the wealthy French-Caribbean wine merchant Stephen Jumel and his controversial wife Eliza "Betsey" Bowen.

Out front was the super cool double row of wooden two-story houses on a cobble stoned street called Sylvan Terrace. It was once the carriage drive for the mansion.

After Rob caught up, we walked over to Audubon Terrace. Here's the history courtesy of the interwebs. "Audubon Terrace, the block between 155th and 156th Streets west of Broadway in upper Manhattan was originally part of a farm belonging to the painter and naturalist, John James Audubon. Beginning in 1094, Archer Milton Huntington developed Audubon Terrace as a cultural center, offering land to the other cultural institutions and frequently subsidizing the construction of their buildings. Today they house the Hispanic Society of America, The American Academy of Arts and Letter and Borica College."

In addition to the sculptures by Anna Hyatt Huntington outside, The Hispanic Society was totally amazing inside. It was an old fashioned cabinet of curiosities with Hispanic flair.

We also did a quick walk through the hills of Trinity Church Cemetery and Mausoleum.

On our way downtown I got my first look at the historic buildings of City College. I'm so happy to have seen all these treasures in my own backyard.

The rest of my troops joined up later in the afternoon for a special "vertical" tour of St. John The Devine cathedral.

The tour allowed us to get up close and personal with the numerous stained glass windows.

It also offered some killer eagle eye views of the interior of the church and all of lower Manhattan.

The reason I run AAN events is for things like... a group shot on the roof of a church!

After the tour we revived ourselves with coffee and pastries from the Hungarian Pastry shop in the cathedral gardens.

The fresh troops were eager for more so we pushed forward with a stroll past the "Seinfeld Diner".

We also got across town just in time to peek into Grant's Tomb before it closed.

We had a bizarre adventure (too complicated to explain) while searching for bathrooms inside Riverside Church. And since today was partially his birthday celebration, I made Rob pause for this hilarious mug shot in the hallway. (I'm just jealous that he's 26.)

Our day concluded with a trek over to Dinosaur BBQ. The Big Ass Pork Plate with the best mac and cheese in the world was the perfect end to a perfect day. Click here for my full set of photos.

Hipster Olympics

2008-10-27T11:29:00.000-07:00

This is why I don't live in Williamsburg...

October Part II

2008-10-22T21:08:00.000-07:00

Continuing the update from my previous post...

Liz and TJ's Nuptials (October 11th)

My crazy cousin Liz married her man today. They looked really happy and he looked handsome and different since he had lasik since last time I saw him.

They had this awesome photo from her parent's wedding out on the sign in table. Check out my gram's Princess Leia powder blue dress and my pop's HUGE bow tie and tux with pipping.

Gram was looking super sparkley and happy with her BFF Juanita and...

hanging out with handsome Uncle Dan.

I spent most of the reception drinking gin and tonics, dancing to Brick House with my brother...

and... um....doing this with my sister in law.

3rd Friday (October 17th)

After a busy week including a small exhibit opening, and a happy hour with old co-workers, I finally managed to attend my friend Sarah's monthly ladies night.

From what I've heard, these events start chill and end in some misadventure or at a random party with Moby (no joke). Tonight concluded with extended conversations with young German boys and these photos abusing a fake bloody hand.

Zog Football (October 19th)

For a few Sundays I've been attempting to survive co-ed touch football. While I'm not exactly an asset on the field, I have met some nice people and gotten much needed exercise rendering me sore and useless until Wednesday.

This Sunday Veronica had an unfortunate interaction with someone's tooth.

This being football and she being a tough cookie, getting patched up ghetto style at the bar was better than sitting in the ER for one stitch. (Please say your prayers for the future of my face.)

My Return To Insanity
(WAKA Fall Kickball - October 21st)

This summer I was recruited to play on The Devil's Rejects in yet another season of WAKA kickball. Please note the total lack of photos actually PLAYING a sport.

It will probably just be a bunch of late nights spent doing this sort of thing with my favorite hugable Peruvian.

October Part I

2008-10-22T19:05:00.000-07:00

A few of you have mentioned your longing for my old blog and the ability to keep up with my life since I'm anti-social networking. I have to admit I sort of miss having a quick reference to my life, but I don't long for the former shackles of my own creation. However, in an effort to update my readers on distant shores, I'll do a few wrap up entries and share some hilarious photos.

VP Debates (October 2nd)

As a young woman living in an age of equality, it pisses me off to no end that Sarah Fucking Palin is what the Republicans offer Americans as a qualified second in command. Since my vote is solidly behind Obama, the debate was purely an opportunity to vent about this affront to the fairer sex and heckle a television with a fun group of intelligent like minded ladies.

We played a rousing round of Palin (bingo). We used "Smarties" as place markers and a package of "Dum Dum" lollipops was the grand prize. I won on the word National Guard!

However our Palin masks were by far the hit of the evening and too hilarious for words. Suffice to say I have not laughed that hard sober in years! "There's something on my Palin!" and "My Palin has yuck mouth!" were the quotes that had us all in hysterics.

True to form, my camera battery died at this crucial moment, but trust me -- we wore the masks all around town and played a very competitive trek of Big Buck Hunter with a hysterical audience. I pinky swear to share those photos whenever my friend Chrystal locates her damn camera chord.

An Evening of Art and Class
(Otherwise known as 2 for 1 drinks and dirty sex talk on October 3rd)

Some other ladies and I spent a nice Friday evening drinking fancy cocktails and checking out the prolific amount of well dressed gay men at the Rubin Museum. Just to prove that we did at least drop into the galleries, I present the following two photos of Buddha... or whatever.

Open House New York - Governors Island (October 4th)

Once a year, Open House New York hosts a weekend of open studios, kids activities, and tours of historic architecture all over the city. As per usual, I didn't get on the ball until a few days before when all the cool shit was booked. But rather than totally miss a beautiful fall weather weekend, I gathered a little group to stroll Governors Island in the hopes of seeing some of the normally off limits buildings on the south end of the island.

Thank god the stupid fucking waterfall was still up and running.

Our favorite part of the day was playing a quick nine holes through the free Figment mini-golf course. It was certainly a play on your traditional idea of golf. You can see my full set of photos from the day here.

Wildcats Meet The Coaches Night (October 8th)

My friend Mike had extra tickets to an alumni event at The New York Athletic Club. I love ending up in beautiful buildings and/or organizations packed with history that are WAY out of my league. I sometimes forget that a majority of Nova alums work in industries that make oodles of money. Too bad I took them up on the liberal arts education...

In any case, the booze was free, the food decent, the view of Central Park amazing, and keeping company with our incredibly handsome, intelligent, suave and impressive head coach, Jay Wright, was well....not too shabby.

This Animal Is BULLshit

2008-10-19T19:51:00.000-07:00

It's like I made a nature video....

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Foreign Shit Is Weird And Delicious

2008-10-16T20:51:00.000-07:00

Today I wandered through Pearl River Mart on my lunch break. This store is always a treasure trove of junk and hilarity. Take these wine bottle cozies for example. My favorite was the topper of Chinese hat complete with long black braid!

While kitschy is at least understandable, this thing below was totally perplexing. What the heck does this pumice stone thing have in common with bikes, skis, and a faucet? Why does this photo show a happy little boy rubbing it on a shiny clean kitchen spigot? (Or is it a bike handle?)

The back of the package only confused me more. Somehow this thing is also related to knives, chairs and ice skates? And is it really worth $11.50?

But strange hilarious and foreign packaging can also mean something crazy delicious. Last night my new friend Murtaza took me to an Indian sandwich shop in the west village.

This is their menu.

I had the blobby red thing (turns out that is their preferred visual for minced meat) and egg on the lower left corner. It was totally amazing! (My mouth is watering writing this!) I also had bites of the Paneer and Unda Chicken roll and both were tasty options. So while Mamoun's is always a good late night neighborhood favorite, next time you are in that area, I highly recommend wandering down a few doors.

Around Town III

2008-10-16T20:39:00.001-07:00

This is a post series I really enjoy. I get a kick out of distilling tons of visual information into the weird, wacky, and wonderful highlights I see by default Around Town.

(Banksy Mural outside my office. 2008 IS the year of the rat.)

And You Thought Stock Brokers Had It Bad

2008-10-02T14:20:00.000-07:00

Monday I went into the basement at work to retrieve files only to encounter 6 inches of water covering the floor and a busted pipe. Three hours, 10 garbage cans and countless buckets of water later, I went home for the day. I was totally sweaty and smelly and covered in (what I learned with horror) New York City sewage water.

But man, as I was dumping out shop vac after shop vac of water in an attempt to rescue some art, I kept thinking "I have a masters degree for THIS?" And while I feel bad for my friends who work in the finance industry and their stress, I know they would never have been expected to do something as lowly and gross. And crazy enough, just when I thought it couldn't get much worse than schlepping disease infested water out of a disgusting 100 year old basement, I got the following email from another museum compardre

So we have a termite problem at our museum. Every fall when we get our super hot super dry weather they get really bad. They come down from the light fixtures. It actually sounds like its raining in my office as the fall to their deaths around me. But last night I pulled two dead ones of out my cleavage! Tomorrow I am going to wear a hat to work because they are also crawling in my hair! When I took a shower this morning I saw a dead one plastered to the side of the tub. I want to hear your vermin stories. You all know darn well that no one else deals with this stuff at work except museum people. Something about nonprofits means we have to forgo decency.

What's Wrong With People?

2008-10-02T08:15:00.000-07:00

I love John and Kate Plus Eight...but this is too much!

My New Friend

2008-10-02T08:02:00.000-07:00

My old friend Ray told me he's moving up to New York in three weeks and he's bringing this little guy with him...

Ladies, I have already claimed him for puppy sitting. I NEED this cuteness for the "Dogs To Meet Boys" outreach program. Can you imagine how easy it would be to score a date walking this tasty treat? Like taking candy from a baby...

Don't be sad little pirate!

Yes, this is MUCH better.

Evolution Shmevolution

2008-10-02T07:55:00.000-07:00

I'm sure someone has probably sent this to you by now...but I have to post it for posterity because it was so fucking funny. Click to enlarge the image and prepare to piss your pants!

Hilarious Museum Nerd Email Chain

2008-09-30T13:35:00.000-07:00

I have a great bunch of friends in the museum industry, most of whom I met during grad school. Now, a Masters in Museum Studies does attract the stereotypical students you might envision upon hearing such a degree exists. Yes, there was a girl who indeed wore a fanny pack everyday, there were several civil war reenactors (and one renaissance fair freak), and a girl who earned herself the nickname "Mrrrrrrrr" because she had a hard time forming sentences.

However, there was also an amazing group of intelligent hilarious debauchery filled fun loving people who banded together against Revenge of The Nerds. I'm pleased to say that all of us have advanced to pretty amazing high level careers across the country in the few years since gradution. In addition to having normal social skills, part of this happened due to our ability to poke fun at ourselves (something New York City art museums have a hard time accomplishing).

Anyway, the other day I was included on an email chain that made me crack up when I returned to my desk (again). Perhaps this won't tickle you all as much as it did me, but I thought it was worth sharing with the interwebs.

Subject: I wonder if this museum is hiring?

P: The Museum of The American Cocktail

K: If they need testers I think we would all be ready and willing. However, I couldn't design any exhibitions because I would drink it all.

E: In that case we could do an exhibit called The Glass Is Empty.

K: Museum people like long exhibition titles with punctuation. May I suggest:

The Glass Is Empty: I'm Drunk

P: Because I produce programs and not exhibitions, here is my suggestion for a lecture:

I Didn't Mean to Touch Your Boobs: A Historical Analysis of Drunken Apologies

E: That's so true! I try desperately to avoid the colon in exhibit titles, but it’s so hard! I second that suggestion and the lecture and propose another for your series titled:

"Remember the time we got drunk?": Making and Losing Memories In A Post-Happy Hour Society

K: Since I do fund raising, donor giving levels will include:

$50: Light Weights

$100: Two Beer Queer

$250: Keg Stander

$500: Hair of the Dog

1,000: Booze Hound Society

Planned Gifts/Estate Gifts: AA Chapter In The Sky

E: I think we all know my giving level. It'd be nice to slip "Liquor Cabinet" in there as a level.

P: I'm sorry, the name "Liquor Cabinet" is already spoken for as the name of the governing board of the museum.

E: Outstanding. They keep tight watch to make sure no one is topping off the bottles with water!

Adopt A Neighborhood - DUMBO

2008-09-29T20:58:00.000-07:00

This month I organized an AAN event to DUMBO for the 12th Annual Art Under The Bridge Festival. Even though the weather was dreary and damp, it made for some spectacular photos.

While a lot of performance pieces were rained out, there was a decent amount of outdoor art to encounter on our wanderings.

For example, we all loved this "map" of Manhattan totally created from bottles and cans of all sizes and shapes.

While escaping the rain, we also stumbled into this video art bar type place (wish I could remember the name). In a city so driven by the value of real estate, it was mind blowing to see floor space scarified for aesthetics of a water feature. I'm happy they did because it was pretty neat-o.

I love taking my non-art friends to events of this nature to watch their reactions. Inside the bar we all enjoyed a really trippy video featuring this woman who did not blink nor break eye contact with the camera during the entire eight minute video. (Also, this photo of Tom makes me giggle.)

But my favorite part of the day involved stumbling into Gleason's Gym. Opened in 1937, Gleason's remains the oldest, active boxing gym in the U.S. It has been the training headquarters for such boxing legends as Jake LaMotta, Muhammad Ali and Mike Tyson. There have been 117 world champions from this gym but according to their Wiki entry, they only stay open through the wallets of average dentists and chicks.

I loved the old school feel of the place, including all these duct taped work out benches, dirty weights, and freaky punching torsos. Just goes to show that you can get in shape without the aid of fancy equipment.

Sadly, I totally ruined my own weeks worth of gym time scarfing down several slices of Grimaldi's delicious pizza. It's the best pizza in town and I just couldn't resist.

But well feed troops make for happy friends...

...and happy photographers. (Click here to peruse the full set from our day.)

As cool as this photo turned out, I can't wait for these stupid waterfalls to go away.

Around Town II

2008-09-28T18:50:00.000-07:00

Tribute In Lights 9/11

Fierce Soho garbage

Vacuum packed corn on the cob and other assorted weirdness in a Chinatown grocery store.

Insert blow job joke here.

I love this city.

Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Oh My

2008-09-24T14:34:00.000-07:00

No, I do not have a Myspace page, I don't want to catch up with you on Twitter, and I absolutely refuse to drink the Facebook koolaid. (If you can get me an awesome job, I will, however, get LinkedIn with your ass.) If you're my friend or family member, I already keep up with you. It's what I'm best at. And I think this blog is more than enough public online presence. So pretty please stop asking me join your shit.

But DO send me links to your photos! I did not know this gem from my birthday had been public since July. Since it is too late to hide from the embarrassment, I thought it would be perfect to mock myself with some ghetto "Matrix" photoshop action! Thanks for putting this (and many other horrific moments) out there, Lori and Bree!

Happy Thursday

2008-09-22T21:27:00.000-07:00

My grandfather has been dead over ten years and I find myself missing him a lot recently. According to my mother, he was a harsh patriarchal figure that expected strict adherence to his rules. But I suppose after three kids and retirement, he mellowed to end up a gruff yet doting grandfather -- the sort of grandpa that took me on long drives (all the while whistling with outstanding vibrato) that always ended at Friendly's for corn muffins and OJ.

At some point in the mesozoic age (i.e. my youth), pop started bringing my grandmother random presents. Because these unexpected gestures made her so happy, he enacted a family wide program of "days of the week" gifts for the rest of his life. Sometimes is was something silly like a key chain or a book, but there were things (like the time he crashed the car) as significant as emerald rings!

And what does this have to do with anything? Well last week (this post is a little behind schedule) my good friend Martin gave me a Thursday present for no reason other than he loves me dearly... and thought of me when he saw this ring in a window. (He also remembered my moment of silence during the impromptu trash can burial of my favorite Parisian glass ring that died in a boccie related incident.)

In any case, because he was so sweet and because my grandpa was a schmoopie, I would like to encourage everyone to buy someone a random gift today. Trust me when I tell you it will make them and you very happy.

(Te amo, Martin.)

Bucket List

2008-09-21T20:22:00.001-07:00

My friend Mel is fond of calling me "Adventurer" and I suppose I am in many ways. I certainly have a "bucket" list of sorts that includes shooting a gun, snorkeling in crystal clear water and jet skiing.

Tonight I came across a folder of old photos from a past trip to Boise visiting my good friend Randy. (Hi, R! Miss you!) Included in the folder were some videos of our ice blocking shenanigans on Simplot’s Hill. The basic premise involved purchasing a 99 cent block of ice, hauling it to the top of this very large grassy hill and sliding down without breaking our neck. In short, it's just about the stupidest fun thing we could do for under a dollar. Be sure to give this adventure a shot next time you are longing for a summer sledding alternative.

Since we have the technology to finally share videos with ease, I thought you would all get a hoot out of these. The last video was shot while simultaneously attempting to keep my ass ON the tiny ice cube!

Oh, and I also thought you might like to know that some person "drew" a giant penis on the grass of the hill and it's pissing off the locals.

Use The Force

2008-09-21T19:57:00.000-07:00

My brother was a huge Star Wars fan and we used to play with all the toys together. My favorite thing was driving the storm troopers around in that little brown cruiser and recreating the bar scene (shocker) with all the space aliens. If anyone was listening to my little girl chatter while I played, I probably sounded a little like this:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Whose Line

2008-09-21T19:51:00.000-07:00

I always liked Whose Line Is It Anyway and I just about peed my pants watching this video! Enjoy.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Fatty McFatterson

2008-09-10T21:28:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow evening is my first exhibit opening at the new job. The installation has gone well and generally I'm pleased with the outcome of the show. I'm nervous about crowds and potential disasters, but I anticipate an exciting evening of arty weirdos. However at home tonight I was more stressed than I have been all week...over what to wear tomorrow night.

Any girl friend of mine who has patiently suffered one of my legendary fashion meltdowns knows I suffer massive agita over special event outfits. But this evening was something more extreme. Recently someone, (a vindictive petulant childish idiot) who knows exactly how to push my buttons, called me a "fat pig". While totally unnecessary, that statement is not entirely untrue. I AM the heaviest I have ever been and none of my clothes, including fun party dresses, fit. I've had the good fortune to wear the same size since high school but I have to accept now I'm officially an old biddy with a slow bitch of an already lazy metabolism.

Over the past six months I've entertained any number of excuses for not returning to a regular diet and workout routine; I'm sick, I'm having heart palpitations (no joke), I'm too stressed out (hence the palpitations), I'm adjusting to the new job, I don't have health insurance, etc, but I officially hit bottom tonight when my "fat pants" were scandalously snug. Unless I plan to attend future exhibit openings naked or in my bathrobe, the procrastination ends Friday.

I briefly entertained the idea of re-purposing this as an exercise focused blog, but realized I'm too sensitive to withstand constant cyber criticism. However, I do like the idea of being accountable to someone, albeit an invisible audience of five readers. In this respect, I humbly submit these two "before" photos as proof of my commitment.

This one is labeled "My Ass Looks Huge" on Flickr.

I can't believe I'm even sharing this double chin monstrosity.

Now, I'm not looking for a miracle. I've never been thin and I understand the need to set realistic goals like "fit into pants" and "try not to feel like a stuffed sausage" and " stop being the fattest girl at the party". So my plan involves 3-4 mornings at the gym, smaller portions, more water, and less beer! However, any great weight loss tips, suggestions, low calorie recipes, exercise buddies, invites for bike rides or walks, 6am motivational wake up calls, or free personal training sessions are all welcome.

I'll update the collective you in a few weeks, hopefully with a positive outcome. I have a dress and two shirts with tags still waiting for me to lose those ever present ten pounds, but at the moment I'm most concerned with easier breathing in my tight work skirts!

Let's Race....Homing Pigeons?

2008-09-09T21:23:00.000-07:00

My sister in law sent me a funny piece of mail...

An application to join the American Racing Pegon Union, Inc!

Nice, Jennifer. Very nice!

What I Did On My Summer Vacation - Part 5

2008-09-08T20:38:00.000-07:00

I should relabel this post - What I Ate On My Summer Vacation because all my photos seemed to be of food, starting with FEAST's Island celebration of summer.

Fried calamari, rice and beans, lamb stew, mango upside down cake with guanabana (no idea how to spell that word) sorbet, and ginger beer were consumed by all. I did the dishes.

I traveled up to Albany for labor day weekend and spent Saturday bowling with my man Trevor, whose size 9 man's shoe is now bigger than his 9 year old head!

While his feet are ahead of the curve his eye teeth are still nowhere in sight.

In addition to some hang time with Trev, I was there to visit my extended family at Tony and Kathy's place. All the kids have grown and another one is on the way. My cousin's are certainly covering their share (and mine) of family reproduction.

While the little kids swam the big kids drank beer.

I mostly hid my white ass from the sun and drank black cherry flavored vodka with Jennifer.

Happy birthday, Aunt Kath!

On Monday I cooked the best meal EVER! Panko crusted talapia, homemade mango salsa, spicy chipotle mayo, and white peach sangria. Because Brice doesn't like fish, I also made a spicy stewed chicken, we roasted corn on the grill, Bonnie made guacamole, and Rocco brought Brownies.

BBAMS was fat and happy! Thank you Tyler's Ultimate for the recipe!

THE END

PS - Following right on the heels of my gluttonous end of summer weekend, I shared a dinner of amazing paella with Dita and a ginourmous tub of popcorn with Mike during Tropic Thunder. (Go see this movie ASAP....but go prepared to pee your pants laughing.)

(These photos were too funny to keep to myself -- but I'm dead next time I see either one of these two. )

Around Town

2008-09-06T21:36:00.000-07:00

Resurrection?

2008-09-04T21:44:00.001-07:00

I think I watched that dancing video twenty times already. It makes me insanely happy and someday I would like to meet Matt for drinks and hear his travel stories. There is something about his endeavor so lacking in pretension that makes me believe in the universal truth of humanity.

Unlike the event I attended tonight...

Don't get me wrong, a big part of me was really excited to spend an evening among "fancy people" drinking free cocktails laced with elder flower liquor and admiring some pretty amusing fashion and art with my friend Monica.

I mean, it's not everyday some chick named Peaches (famous for no reason as far as i can tell), Kelly Osborne, and some "it" model - who purposely changed her name to Agyness Deyn - hangs out with the likes of me. But it was sort of like watching crazy starving exotic animals at the zoo.

Thankfully, my faith in the world was partially restored at the end of the evening by the fabulous view that accompanied my $21 dollar cosmopolitan at The Rainbow Room.

Wherethehellismatt.com

2008-09-03T10:07:00.000-07:00

I loved this.

Plug For Peverly

2008-09-03T09:30:00.000-07:00

My old co-worker and friend Matt Peverly is playing his first gig with a band this coming Thursday. If you are free, go check him out at Arlene's Grocery.

I mean, any guy that makes a hilarious retarded ad like this is going play a good show!

Joshua Allen Harris

2008-09-03T09:14:00.000-07:00

My friend Michelle sent me this link to a video interview by New York Magazine with the artist Joshua Allen Harris. His inflatable art is incredibly playful and inventive and it made me happy even seeing it on video. I can only imagine how excited I would be to walk past one on my everyday travels. (It doesn't hurt that he is adorable too!)

In case you are too lazy to click and watch the interview (cough cough), you can watch this video.

The Infamous Poster

2008-08-29T08:56:00.000-07:00

This does not translate as a small image, but I wanted to show you this proof of the poster PJ created from my favorite photos from last year. The words on the bottom now read "Nobody Puts Banana In A Corner" and it looks pretty sweet. You can blow this up by clicking on the image, but you'll have to come to my living room to see the real deal.

Thanks again, Peaches.

An Email From Dad

2008-08-29T08:41:00.000-07:00

This one is for you!!!
Love, Dad

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubs and bushes. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But
let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

What I Did On My Summer Vacation - Part 4

2008-08-28T13:07:00.000-07:00

My blur of social events did not ease through the middle of August. Like last year, my crew spent a lovely day drinking at vineyards on a Zog Sports trip to Long Island. Alas, I left my camera at home so there are no photos, but this is probably a good thing because I got heroically drunk (must have been the sun). If you ever have the chance to get out that way, be sure to stop at Peconic Bay Winery. They are very knowledgeable the wine was really great.

Like most of you, I became obsessed with Michael Phelps (who I swear looks like my cousin Daniel) and the Nastia Lukin vs Mighty Mouse saga of the Olympics. Thankfully, my good friend Michelle was in town for a few days to help me cheer for team USA.

She also dragged me away from the TV one night to try Mario Batali's pizza joint, Otto.

I had the Pene Frattau pizza, which is pecorino cheese and egg with added prosciutto (on the recommendation of our waiter). Foodies are brilliant because adding a fried yolk made this combination damn tasty. It was breakfast and pizza in one delicious bite.

I finally got around to organizing an actual Adopt A Neighborhood this month to the Bronx Zoo and Arthur Avenue. I was horrified to see that peacocks have become the new pigeons. They boldly strutted around the picnic areas and stupid humans fed them bits of french fries and chicken fingers. That can not be good for a bird's digestion! Good thing they don't fly high enough to crap on me!

Thankfully, we left the nasty beasts behind to visit the really bored polar bear...

some pretty monkeys ...

zebras...

and kissey fish.

We ended our day at the 4:00pm tiger feeding and enrichment program.

The keepers entice the tiger to perform certain tasks in order to check her paws and ensure her health. When she got into this pose, I had a moment when I imagined what it must have been like for poor Roy (or was it Siegfried?). In addition to small bits of meat, the cat receives a bloodcicle for her cooperation. Gross.

You can see my full set of animal photos here.

The end of our exploration took us to the "real" Little Italy on Arthur Ave. We made it just in time to buy some sausages and balsamic vinegar at the Italian market (under the watchful eye of the pope).

While we were scheduled to go for family style Italian dinner at Dominick's, they were apparently back in the old country for the summer. So we ended up at Umberto's Clam House where Beth got the biggest piece of lasagna I've ever set eyes on.

The following week was busy with a networking event, an end of season party for my kickball team (we won best team name for Kicker, I Don't Even Know Her), and a trip to MOMA with Bonnie to see the Dali exhibit and listen to music in the sculpture garden.

Not to be outdone by my weekday activities, my weekend was no less crazy. Friday night I went with some new friends to The Brooklyn Brewery for $4 beers. It's a great place to order a pizza, play some cards and sample their on site only specialty brews.

Saturday I revisited my days at Nova by attending a toga party in Astoria. That's right. I said toga party, bitches.

In addition to walking around in a pink satin bed sheet, (it just wasn't the same as the Budweiser sheet I used back in the day) my friend Gillian attempted to put laurel leaves in my hair.

Her attempt was about as successful as me trying to help Rob make a toga and somehow giving him a bed sheet diaper instead.

I capped off my summer weekend with a long overdue trip to Water Taxi Beach where the beers were cold and the views of Manhattan were spectacular.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation
To Be Continued....

PJ Cracks My Shit Up

2008-08-28T08:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes PJ sends me the funniest shit and I wind up trying to silently cackle at my desk until tears pour down my face. (My new co-workers think there is something wrong with me.) Since he is uber lazy about maintaining his own blog, I'm going to consider this my first "guest blog" and post his emails from today.

Read at my desk at 10am this morning:

I see this ad on the Metro all the time and it never fails to make me laugh.

"This is what Jerimah does in his spare time
Imagine what he does at work!"

...call's Mom to remind her to stay out of his "Command Center/apartment" in her basement.
... discusses this weekend's D&D tournament with co-workers
... finds clever ways of working Monty Python quotes into annual budget report.
... scouring internet on lunch break in search of girlfriend who is as into manga comics as he is.

Sent to me moments ago:

Put on an "adult diaper" and click on this link:
http://renz-o.blogspot.com/

What I Did On My Summer Vacation - Part 3

2008-08-27T10:24:00.000-07:00

August was a super busy social month. I had back to back events or outings for almost two weeks straight. In addition to sampling the fare at Fredrick's Downtown with Liz during restaurant week, BBAMS checked The 21 Club off the list of "to visit" New York institutions we created over brunch at the Central Park Boathouse.

The next day I traveled home for my good friend (and loyal reader) Sue's wedding. She looked beautiful and so happy!

The reception was hours after the ceremony so I had time to stop and take photos of the amazing post rain sky above the minuscule Albany skyline.

It was great spending time at the reception with my oldest friends in the entire world, Melissa and Jen (momma of The Peanut) and admiring the beautiful upstate woodsy sunset.

I got back from the wedding just in time for my Sunday night kickball game. I played a quick five week season with Zog Sports and met a whole bunch of nice new friends.

The next day I woke up at 6am to make a three hour train out to East Hampton for a work retreat. My boss had the entire staff up for a day at the beach and gourmet meals he made himself from organic farms near his beautiful home. THIS is the Hamptons I wanted to see on my first visit.

Even though I was totally exhausted, I dragged myself out the next night to a Mets game with Martin. We won free tickets the week before at a DJ Rocco charity event and I wasn't about to let them go to waste.

Since the Roxy closed over a year ago, there hasn't been indoor roller skating anywhere in New York. So when I read about Lola Star's Dreamland Roller Rink opening in Coney Island, I was there two days later with my adventurous friend Melissa.

Rollerskating was fun but we discovered that Coney Island on a Friday night is a free freak show.
We had a blast surreptitiously taking photos of the locals.

We also discovered the Hot Nosh Kosher Kart. It's almost as weird as the animatronic vomiting guy I discovered last year.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation
To Be Continued....

What I Did On My Summer Vacation - Part 2

2008-08-26T18:26:00.000-07:00

Most of July was spent getting settled in to my new job. There has been a major improvement in my mental health with a thirty minute commute to a low stress environment interacting with normal professional museum staff. Turns out, my old job realized they were up shit creek without a paddle and offered me free lance work one day a week until they replace me. It's been nice making play money while helping my friends... but then walking away from all the drama.

I was also pleasantly surprised to discover Mel and I are now work neighbors. Both of us realized we know little to nothing about Tribecca and Soho and have taken it upon ourselves to visit local watering holes and restaurants in an ongoing mini two person Adopt A Neighborhood.

In addition to beers, our adventures have taken us on rambles down the entire west side of the island all the way to Battery Park. The best part of this location is the uncrowded fabulous view of the Hudson and New Jersey along the bike path.

Soho is fascinating to me with it's blend of industrial architecture, bullshit upscale stores, gawking tourists, and remnants from its artistic past.

So far, my favorite thing is the plentiful collage graffiti. It's been a feast for my camera.

(Hmmm, this guy seems to think I should go to Peru.)

What I Did On My Summer Vacation
To Be Continued....

What I Did On My Summer Vacation - Part 1

2008-08-26T11:04:00.000-07:00

So, loyal readers, you last left your heroine at her 31st birthday at the Central Park Boathouse, scene of bird shit incident #17. While much time was spent cursing Flickr and repairing the old blog, I didn't rest on my laurels all summer long.

July was a month of transitions. Since my new job had an extraordinarily long probation period, I made sure to build in a week of vacation before beginning my new endeavor. A few free days were spent on my first foray into Little Manhattan, otherwise known as The Hamptons.

Unfortunately, it wasn't the trip I anticipated. While sitting on the bay at night and fishing on the sea bridge were fun, spending an evening among meat-head orange dudes with spiky hair and fake and bake silicone hussies in a dive bar in Yaphank was not exactly what I had in mind.

Thankfully, the remainder of my vacation was spent chilling at our 2nd annual camping extravaganza to Barryville, NY.

Like last year, the majority of our trip involved drinking lots of beer, consuming obscene amounts of meat, playing a bit of Beermitten and sitting around our beautiful artsy fire. We also spent four hours getting pruned up on our float in the Delaware River that was running at negative miles per hour.

However, as is always the case in the life of Miss Banana, a simple camping trip was not without incident. There are toilets at this campsite, but as you can imagine, they are not well maintained, they are humid, dark, and bug infested. Still, I'd rather go number two on an actual toilet than in a hole in the ground.

In any case, on Sunday morning I was hungover and exhausted and had to use the facilities badly. So my friend Lori and I walked down to the closest bathrooms only to discover they were fresh out of toilet paper. Great. So we went to the bathrooms on the other side of the campground. We arrived to a set of toilets with a burned out light bulb with barely enough light to take care of business. I rushed into a stall and skipped my usual TP seat lining ritual because I was desperate and dirty anyway.

So, I conducted business and flushed. I noticed things were not going down well and the toilet was running slow. So I leaned in to jiggle the handle when...

I noticed the horror of all horrors!

Some fucker had shit ON the toilet in the area between the lid and the bottom. You know, that one inch gap between the lid and the seat and the base of a the bowl? (Look at your house toilet and you'll understand.) And it wasn't liquid poo, which would have been bad enough, but this was a solid turd wedged and squished into the space! Who does that? How did they get the turd in there? How did it get so squished up under the lid? How the hell did I not notice this? Stupid burned out light bulb!

So I freaked because I just got my ass in that vicinity and potentially got someone else's poop on my butt! So, needless to say, I got into the gross buggy moldy camp shower and soaped up my ass like I have never soaped it before!

To quote my old friend Drew, "Ahhhhh. Camping."

What I Did On My Summer Vacation
To Be Continued....

Go To Hell

2008-08-26T10:56:00.000-07:00

This is something PJ sent me awhile back. I'm sort of obsessed with it! Enjoy!

Miss Banana Makes Another Blog, Weeeeeee

2008-08-18T11:20:00.000-07:00

So, this here is my new blog. This time around there's no real theme. Just some blathering and topical bullshit. There will be guest bloggers and of course lots and lots of photos.

In order to try and tie the two blogs together, I did chose a title also based on an obscure Dirty Dancing reference.

Hope you visit lots!