Beyond 40

I’ve had a lot of amazing birthdays in my life.  There was the time all my little kid friends went to the movies and saw Annie, the infamous Mr. Days dance party covered in yellow caution tape, and my 30^th when I jumped out of a plane, rented a room in a bar with DJ Rocco and Spin played a live rock show.  Those birthdays were somehow topped by the insane Russian supper club birthday with a live “show” that Bourdain once said felt like “John Waters made a Broadway musical” (This girl sums that experience up perfectly). 

But as I lay here with my epic post birthday 40-year-old hangover looking at photos from last night on my phone, I’m insanely happy.   The events of this weekend came pretty damn close to perfection and this headache and dehydration are no match for the healing power of being truly chock full of love. 

Leading up to this birthday, I dropped some not too subtle hints that I was feeling this milestone a bit more than usual.  Yes, there was certainly some looking in the mirror at my thinning grey hair, not so perky boobs and extra chubby stomach longing for the body of my 20’s.  But there was mostly examining the state of my life scorecard and trying to figure out where I am on the YOLO spectrum.  I’m halfway done (if I’m lucky) with my trips around the sun and I was questioning how I wanted to spend my remaining days on planet earth.

By circumstance, my 40^th birthday fell close to a time of great personal upheaval.   I went from a 5-year relationship midway through an engagement to a 38-year-old single lady, hard up for money in the midst of a huge career transition that subsequently ended with getting laid off this March.  To say that it felt hard approaching a life milestone unemployed, single, and still renting an apartment over a sketchy 24-hour deli would be something of an understatement. 

But I’ve come around to thinking ironically about those hurdles. Through them I’ve been strengthened, taught to look deep inside, figure out who the hell I am and adapt to change (which my mom can tell you I’ve never really been good at).  None of those events have been easy, but I wouldn’t change them for the world.  I’ve done brave crazy shit, ticked off major bucket list items, and finally arrived at a place in my career where I'm confident and getting paid for all my fucking hard work and education. Most importantly, those events have also created a perfect storm to receive more love and support than I ever imagined possible. 

One such measure of support came in the form of a recent career seminar, crowd sourced by awesome people. I thought my heart couldn’t feel any fuller than the moment I was ambushed with the news on a surprise conference call.  I cried like a damn baby all the way down 1^st Avenue.

At the seminar, I learned about narrative intelligence and a little light bulb went on inside. This theory holds that everyone is the starring role in the movie of their own life and as we bounce around from experience to experience we narrate from a story archetype. Some people are rulers, magicians, caregivers, and explorers.   Unsurprisingly, I’m basically tied for characters that fall squarely in the “working with others” category.   I’m equal parts Jester, Everyman and Lover which in over simplistic terms means I’m an egalitarian comic connector of people.  I’m happiest when I’ve created an environment for everyone to meet, learn, laugh and come away with new stories.

Bearing all that in mind, you can imagine a birthday party about me, full of people from all parts of my life, with an amazing view of the spot that accompanies my hardcore life thinking, gives me all the feels. 

People were introduced and left to chat among themselves.  Drinks and mini grilled cheeses were consumed.  Good vibes were spread. I got presents and glasses of wine galore. The sun came out from behind the clouds that then became the dark backdrop to a brilliant sunset.  And no joke, there was a freaking rainbow followed immediately by a full moon rise! 

Good friends sent a tray of 40 shots all the way from Chicago.  My aunt and uncle brought my favorite carrot cake from the Bronx. My mom and dad paid for things on the sly and chatted up all my friends!  I was given more ridiculous shots and accompanied direct to my door (after ditching my strapless bra because I give zero fucks what the crackhead after-bar crowd in my neighborhood thinks).  This morning capped all that with a tasty brunch and the gift of a private sailboat ride for me and six people of my choosing by my brother and sister in law. 

Finally, and I suppose most importantly, last night answered that big lingering life question of what comes beyond 40.  And…it was surprisingly simple. From here on out I will strive to remember that so much love exists out there to receive as long as I am really ready to accept it.

So, hard as I’m trying to express here, there really just aren’t enough thankful words for ALL THAT. 

My cup runneth over. 

You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, well you might find, you get what you need

There are tons of studies that show social media makes people feel lonely. The constant comparison to others has a nasty way of shining a mirror on that secret doubt in all of us that thinks we're not good enough. It amplifies that hidden feeling we are squandering the gift of time or somehow not living to our fullest potential. 

And while I admit it gets to me sometimes, the benefits and ease of communication on Facebook and Instagram far outweigh these downsides. They are the perfect programs because I value my relationships above anything else and really get a kick out of viewing the human condition in all forms. 

So while friends have come and gone in intensity based on geography and life circumstance, I've stayed in virtual contact with truly awesome people. I really enjoy following along with everyone's life progress, trials, heartbreaks and watching their families bloom and grow.

And last week this very virtual network delivered an awesome surprise. To be honest, it's been hard to process how the internet crowd sourced over $1,000 to send MY stupid ass to an intensive career counseling seminar!! 

To say I was blown away doesn't begin to cover my astonishment that my former professor, old summer camp friends, grad school/college/high school buddies, kickball acquaintances and both  recent and old coworkers took the opportunity to tell me they believe in me. It's hard to describe the feeling of it all and I'm still marveling that friends as far away as Peru and London contributed! While some saw this as a chance to repay me for past generosity in celebrating their own life milestones nothing beats knowing it's also because lots of folks think I have untapped potential.

And then there was Mr. PJ -- the organizer of this kooky endeavor. He is by far my most selfless friend and put this together from the goodness of his enormous heart. For as long as I have known him, PJ has always put the needs of others before himself. He was my dependable designated driver, the guy that left mix cds in my mailbox the night my grandfather died, and drove to a house party in New Jersey with an inflatable bear that has become a reoccurring inflatable character in my life. For certain I would be a very different person if I had never met him! 

So sincerely to PJ.... and Erin, Kelly, Drew and everyone else that donated to a random Facebook message, THANK YOU. You ALL turned me into a weepy pile of gooey love filled messy gratitude. 

I promise to not take this gift for granted! 

Unemployment Day 3: Deep Thoughts and Lists by A Woman With Too Much Unstructured Time On Her Hands!

There has to be a happy life in there somewhere!

40.

It feels like a lot. 

Especially because it seems I'm being tested these days. 

As I watch all my slightly older classmates fall like Facebook reminder dominoes, my own approaching milestone is ever present. As a result of this, and my general sentimental nostalgic nature, I've peeked back at the last decade of my life in my newly acquired free time...sorta like picking an old half-healed scab.  

I suppose I was hoping that reverse life accounting might enlighten as to what the hell I want from this next phase of life. (For reals, I could use all help I can get in that department.)  And while I'm still tragically short on practical details, I did learn a few applicable things in my recent revelries:

1. Obsessively looking back only reinforces I'm that much closer to "the end".  Seeing an entire generation (especially in early photos) fade away creates an acute awareness that time is going fast. 
2. Given the above awareness, I need to stop taking shit for granted immediately. 
3. Most importantly, I have to quit being so hard on myself. I seriously need to ditch this ever present notion that because I'm single, have no kids or house, let alone a serious career, I'm somehow a failure with no life accomplishments.  Because seriously, who's judging what constitutes a successful or accomplished life anyway? Or as my dad always says, "Who died and made THEM boss?"  

That last lesson only came after literally listing my major life milestones and accomplishments during one of my more OCD jaunts down memory lane. But that's natural given I'm desperately trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and Germans and  project managers only know how to think in list format.  

So, with that in mind, an eye to future nostalgic archival dives, and a middle finger extended to white suburban mid-century expectations, here's some awesome things I did in my 30's for posterity:  

• Went sky diving. 
• Completed a 365 blog writing and taking one photo a day every day 
• Traveled from Russia to Spain via Finland, Germany, The Netherlands, Belgium, and France in a truck filled with art, and a few dudes with guns
• Left Brooklyn after 8 awesome years
• Ran a bunch of tours all over the city for friends
• Walked Broadway end to end 
• Drove 72 hours straight cross county in a big rig with a married couple, twice. 
• Went back to school, earned a Certificate from NYU, became a certified Project Manager and managed to change careers after 10 years in the art museum world
• Created a bucket list and got busy crossing shit off 
• Traveled to England, Mexico, Peru, a few times to Germany and so many cities in the US I lost count
• Started really taking photos 
• Got paid to carry objects from the Titanic in a rolling suitcase and accidentally ended up on Russian TV
• Met a boy, fell in hard core love, moved in together, got a kitten, got engaged, bought a wedding dress and then had my heart smashed to dust when he walked out without a real explanation
• Realized I have more strength and resolve than I ever thought possible 
• Created a little online side business 
• Learned to really love myself by following my "Give Fewer Fucks" mantra.  It's my daily reminder to drop the burden of caring what other people expect/think and set myself free!

Unemployment Day 1

A lot of you lovelies have been inquiring after me and even though I have no job, I'm somehow finding it hard to keep up with responses.  Since I am doing a half-ass job of staying in touch...here's the highlight reel:

1.  It's only been a week.  (And I was paid 5 days vacation, so technically it doesn't even count.) 

2.  After dealing with 2015, losing my job seems like an emotional cake walk.  Plus, loads of you people have been laid off/fired and survived. I've already received a ton of good advice, job board websites, computer shopping guidance and sympathy beers. By contrast, there wasn't a ton of practical experience or tips for "I was hit by a cab on the same day my fiancé walked out"

3.  The world is a literal HOT mess and at this point, I am just grateful for a roof over my head, a relatively safe home with clean running water, my health (and what remains of my insurance), free time to wander outside NY in spring, my education, and my family. Everything in perspective, right?  Have you seen a video of Sudan or Syria lately?  We are so fucking lucky.

So anyway… 

A lot of your questions have been asking WHY I was laid off. The reason given was lack of new business from their largest client with unfavorable projections for the next quarter. Totally reasonable. I saw it coming too. I also have a personal theory that this lack of work stems from that client's risk aversion due to an orange flaming pile of shit currently running our country...but that's clearly a controversial biased unsubstantiated opinion.

The end result is I find myself 39-3/4, single, and for the first time since I was about 10, 100% unemployed. I've got two months of severance, one month of health insurance, NY state unemployment, some meager savings I managed to put together since I got a big girl job, my 2016 tax return and sheer hustle. Given that I live in one of the most expensive areas of the country and unemployment checks fall $500 short of even covering my rent, that affords me roughly 4 to 5 months to find a new permanent gig with health insurance before I crawl back upstate with my 40 year old tail between my legs.

Despite what I said above, this can obviously sometimes feel a little overwhelming. Tonight (after a few glasses of wine), I decided writing and sharing my thoughts was as good a therapy as any. Plus, it's free!  Hence dropping some words on this old ass blog. 

Stay tuned for updates!  

Saying Goodbye...

For 36 years I had my Gram.  

She took care of me from the time I was very little until I went off to first grade.  Under her care I learned my letters/colors/shapes, the proper order in which to eat any lunch, and the simple pleasure of a post bath Jean Nate powdering.  But most importantly, she taught me that most mundane things are always improved when you create and sing a nonsense song and dance a little jig. 

It never hurts to wear a “snood” either. ..

Gram was a big supporter of all her grand kids.  A constant presence in my life, she attended almost every torturous band concert, embarrassing dance recital and talent show, numerous little kid birthday parties, and every graduation.  As the most devout person in my life, I also asked her to be my confirmation sponsor - an honor in her book.  

Always thinking of others, I received a card (usually with a couple bucks to treat myself to an ice cream or beer) for EVERY Valentine’s, St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas my entire life.  There was sometimes a special note, but there was always "a love and God bless".  Mail will never be the same and I’m pretty sure Hallmark’s stock will plummet.  

As a person who treasured time with her family above everything, Gram never missed a wedding, anniversary party, or holiday celebration.  I am going to miss Thanksgiving chats, dying Easter eggs (hers always came out better than ours), and most importantly Christmas eve dinner. 

 

Gram loved nothing more than traveling.  She took pride in the number of places she had visited in her life.  When we were kids she took us on special family trips to Niagara Falls, a grand tour of Europe, a family trip to Ireland and spent every summer with us on Cape Cod.  

 

She found ways to visit me in college, during grad school in DC, and almost every year I have lived in New York City.  The countless shared Broadway plays, trips to national monuments and museums, visits to the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, drinks and dinners are some of my most treasured memories.  

 

For reasons unknown at the time, she also agreed that the two of us should go celebrate her (actual) German heritage with a trip to Oktoberfest.  Shortly after securing our very first beers, she told me the following story:

 “After the cancer doctor told me I was in remission, I told your Grandfather I wanted to see Germany before I died.  We came to Oktoberfest and I sat across from an older woman.  Using my basic German, I was able to ask her age and she said 75.  I congratulated her and thought to myself ‘I will not live to see 75.’ But now, here I stand with my granddaughter, at 81 years old, back again at Oktoberfest! Prost!”  

St. Patrick’s Day…will just never be the same.  There is just nothing more to be said.  

Gram prayed for hours every day. She prayed for everyone she ever lost, asked for the health and safety of others, and begged strength and forgiveness from the God she loved so much.  However, the ONLY prayer for herself was a request for a quick and painless death.  In the two days before her death she got her hair and nails done, took a ride up to Provincetown and saw Despicable Me.  She fell, went into the hospital, and slipped away a few hours later surrounded by her kids at 89 years old.  There is much comfort in knowing her prayer was answered and certainly no one deserved it more. 

She was my hero, my friend, my inspiration and my most favorite person on earth.  She has been gone a only week and to say there is a Granny sized hole in my heart feels like a complete understatement.   

But because it is what she would have done, I am now going to put on my big girl panties, pour myself an extra-large beer, “offer it up” and “mog” on.   

I love you Gram. I will think of you every day. 

PS – She said we couldn’t make a photo wall or put a photo with her obituary (Or she would haunt us!) but she never said anything about a ginormous set of photos on Flickr.  I hope to grow this collection with older photos as they are pulled out of the basement and from various relatives.