You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, well you might find, you get what you need

There are tons of studies that show social media makes people feel lonely. The constant comparison to others has a nasty way of shining a mirror on that secret doubt in all of us that thinks we're not good enough. It amplifies that hidden feeling we are squandering the gift of time or somehow not living to our fullest potential. 

And while I admit it gets to me sometimes, the benefits and ease of communication on Facebook and Instagram far outweigh these downsides. They are the perfect programs because I value my relationships above anything else and really get a kick out of viewing the human condition in all forms. 

So while friends have come and gone in intensity based on geography and life circumstance, I've stayed in virtual contact with truly awesome people. I really enjoy following along with everyone's life progress, trials, heartbreaks and watching their families bloom and grow.

And last week this very virtual network delivered an awesome surprise. To be honest, it's been hard to process how the internet crowd sourced over $1,000 to send MY stupid ass to an intensive career counseling seminar!! 

To say I was blown away doesn't begin to cover my astonishment that my former professor, old summer camp friends, grad school/college/high school buddies, kickball acquaintances and both  recent and old coworkers took the opportunity to tell me they believe in me. It's hard to describe the feeling of it all and I'm still marveling that friends as far away as Peru and London contributed! While some saw this as a chance to repay me for past generosity in celebrating their own life milestones nothing beats knowing it's also because lots of folks think I have untapped potential.

And then there was Mr. PJ -- the organizer of this kooky endeavor. He is by far my most selfless friend and put this together from the goodness of his enormous heart. For as long as I have known him, PJ has always put the needs of others before himself. He was my dependable designated driver, the guy that left mix cds in my mailbox the night my grandfather died, and drove to a house party in New Jersey with an inflatable bear that has become a reoccurring inflatable character in my life. For certain I would be a very different person if I had never met him! 

So sincerely to PJ.... and Erin, Kelly, Drew and everyone else that donated to a random Facebook message, THANK YOU. You ALL turned me into a weepy pile of gooey love filled messy gratitude. 

I promise to not take this gift for granted! 

Unemployment Day 3: Deep Thoughts and Lists by A Woman With Too Much Unstructured Time On Her Hands!

There has to be a happy life in there somewhere!

40.

It feels like a lot. 

Especially because it seems I'm being tested these days. 

As I watch all my slightly older classmates fall like Facebook reminder dominoes, my own approaching milestone is ever present. As a result of this, and my general sentimental nostalgic nature, I've peeked back at the last decade of my life in my newly acquired free time...sorta like picking an old half-healed scab.  

I suppose I was hoping that reverse life accounting might enlighten as to what the hell I want from this next phase of life. (For reals, I could use all help I can get in that department.)  And while I'm still tragically short on practical details, I did learn a few applicable things in my recent revelries:

1. Obsessively looking back only reinforces I'm that much closer to "the end".  Seeing an entire generation (especially in early photos) fade away creates an acute awareness that time is going fast. 
2. Given the above awareness, I need to stop taking shit for granted immediately. 
3. Most importantly, I have to quit being so hard on myself. I seriously need to ditch this ever present notion that because I'm single, have no kids or house, let alone a serious career, I'm somehow a failure with no life accomplishments.  Because seriously, who's judging what constitutes a successful or accomplished life anyway? Or as my dad always says, "Who died and made THEM boss?"  

That last lesson only came after literally listing my major life milestones and accomplishments during one of my more OCD jaunts down memory lane. But that's natural given I'm desperately trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and Germans and  project managers only know how to think in list format.  

So, with that in mind, an eye to future nostalgic archival dives, and a middle finger extended to white suburban mid-century expectations, here's some awesome things I did in my 30's for posterity:  

• Went sky diving. 
• Completed a 365 blog writing and taking one photo a day every day 
• Traveled from Russia to Spain via Finland, Germany, The Netherlands, Belgium, and France in a truck filled with art, and a few dudes with guns
• Left Brooklyn after 8 awesome years
• Ran a bunch of tours all over the city for friends
• Walked Broadway end to end 
• Drove 72 hours straight cross county in a big rig with a married couple, twice. 
• Went back to school, earned a Certificate from NYU, became a certified Project Manager and managed to change careers after 10 years in the art museum world
• Created a bucket list and got busy crossing shit off 
• Traveled to England, Mexico, Peru, a few times to Germany and so many cities in the US I lost count
• Started really taking photos 
• Got paid to carry objects from the Titanic in a rolling suitcase and accidentally ended up on Russian TV
• Met a boy, fell in hard core love, moved in together, got a kitten, got engaged, bought a wedding dress and then had my heart smashed to dust when he walked out without a real explanation
• Realized I have more strength and resolve than I ever thought possible 
• Created a little online side business 
• Learned to really love myself by following my "Give Fewer Fucks" mantra.  It's my daily reminder to drop the burden of caring what other people expect/think and set myself free!

Unemployment Day 1

A lot of you lovelies have been inquiring after me and even though I have no job, I'm somehow finding it hard to keep up with responses.  Since I am doing a half-ass job of staying in touch...here's the highlight reel:

1.  It's only been a week.  (And I was paid 5 days vacation, so technically it doesn't even count.) 

2.  After dealing with 2015, losing my job seems like an emotional cake walk.  Plus, loads of you people have been laid off/fired and survived. I've already received a ton of good advice, job board websites, computer shopping guidance and sympathy beers. By contrast, there wasn't a ton of practical experience or tips for "I was hit by a cab on the same day my fiancé walked out"

3.  The world is a literal HOT mess and at this point, I am just grateful for a roof over my head, a relatively safe home with clean running water, my health (and what remains of my insurance), free time to wander outside NY in spring, my education, and my family. Everything in perspective, right?  Have you seen a video of Sudan or Syria lately?  We are so fucking lucky.

So anyway… 

A lot of your questions have been asking WHY I was laid off. The reason given was lack of new business from their largest client with unfavorable projections for the next quarter. Totally reasonable. I saw it coming too. I also have a personal theory that this lack of work stems from that client's risk aversion due to an orange flaming pile of shit currently running our country...but that's clearly a controversial biased unsubstantiated opinion.

The end result is I find myself 39-3/4, single, and for the first time since I was about 10, 100% unemployed. I've got two months of severance, one month of health insurance, NY state unemployment, some meager savings I managed to put together since I got a big girl job, my 2016 tax return and sheer hustle. Given that I live in one of the most expensive areas of the country and unemployment checks fall $500 short of even covering my rent, that affords me roughly 4 to 5 months to find a new permanent gig with health insurance before I crawl back upstate with my 40 year old tail between my legs.

Despite what I said above, this can obviously sometimes feel a little overwhelming. Tonight (after a few glasses of wine), I decided writing and sharing my thoughts was as good a therapy as any. Plus, it's free!  Hence dropping some words on this old ass blog. 

Stay tuned for updates!