Hilarious Museum Nerd Email Chain

I have a great bunch of friends in the museum industry, most of whom I met during grad school. Now, a Masters in Museum Studies does attract the stereotypical students you might envision upon hearing such a degree exists. Yes, there was a girl who indeed wore a fanny pack everyday, there were several civil war reenactors (and one renaissance fair freak), and a girl who earned herself the nickname "Mrrrrrrrr" because she had a hard time forming sentences.

However, there was also an amazing group of intelligent hilarious debauchery filled fun loving people who banded together against Revenge of The Nerds. I'm pleased to say that all of us have advanced to pretty amazing high level careers across the country in the few years since gradution. In addition to having normal social skills, part of this happened due to our ability to poke fun at ourselves (something New York City art museums have a hard time accomplishing).

Anyway, the other day I was included on an email chain that made me crack up when I returned to my desk (again). Perhaps this won't tickle you all as much as it did me, but I thought it was worth sharing with the interwebs.

Subject: I wonder if this museum is hiring?

P: The Museum of The American Cocktail

K: If they need testers I think we would all be ready and willing. However, I couldn't design any exhibitions because I would drink it all.

E: In that case we could do an exhibit called The Glass Is Empty.

K: Museum people like long exhibition titles with punctuation. May I suggest:

The Glass Is Empty: I'm Drunk

P: Because I produce programs and not exhibitions, here is my suggestion for a lecture:

I Didn't Mean to Touch Your Boobs: A Historical Analysis of Drunken Apologies

E: That's so true! I try desperately to avoid the colon in exhibit titles, but it’s so hard! I second that suggestion and the lecture and propose another for your series titled:

"Remember the time we got drunk?": Making and Losing Memories In A Post-Happy Hour Society

K: Since I do fund raising, donor giving levels will include:

$50: Light Weights

$100: Two Beer Queer

$250: Keg Stander

$500: Hair of the Dog

1,000: Booze Hound Society

Planned Gifts/Estate Gifts: AA Chapter In The Sky

E: I think we all know my giving level. It'd be nice to slip "Liquor Cabinet" in there as a level.

P: I'm sorry, the name "Liquor Cabinet" is already spoken for as the name of the governing board of the museum.

E: Outstanding. They keep tight watch to make sure no one is topping off the bottles with water!

Adopt A Neighborhood - DUMBO

This month I organized an AAN event to DUMBO for the 12th Annual Art Under The Bridge Festival. Even though the weather was dreary and damp, it made for some spectacular photos.

While a lot of performance pieces were rained out, there was a decent amount of outdoor art to encounter on our wanderings.

For example, we all loved this "map" of Manhattan totally created from bottles and cans of all sizes and shapes.

While escaping the rain, we also stumbled into this video art bar type place (wish I could remember the name). In a city so driven by the value of real estate, it was mind blowing to see floor space scarified for aesthetics of a water feature. I'm happy they did because it was pretty neat-o.

I love taking my non-art friends to events of this nature to watch their reactions. Inside the bar we all enjoyed a really trippy video featuring this woman who did not blink nor break eye contact with the camera during the entire eight minute video. (Also, this photo of Tom makes me giggle.)

But my favorite part of the day involved stumbling into Gleason's Gym. Opened in 1937, Gleason's remains the oldest, active boxing gym in the U.S. It has been the training headquarters for such boxing legends as Jake LaMotta, Muhammad Ali and Mike Tyson. There have been 117 world champions from this gym but according to their Wiki entry, they only stay open through the wallets of average dentists and chicks.

I loved the old school feel of the place, including all these duct taped work out benches, dirty weights, and freaky punching torsos. Just goes to show that you can get in shape without the aid of fancy equipment.

Sadly, I totally ruined my own weeks worth of gym time scarfing down several slices of Grimaldi's delicious pizza. It's the best pizza in town and I just couldn't resist.

But well feed troops make for happy friends...

...and happy photographers. (Click here to peruse the full set from our day.)

As cool as this photo turned out, I can't wait for these stupid waterfalls to go away.

Around Town II

Tribute In Lights 9/11

Fierce Soho garbage

Vacuum packed corn on the cob and other assorted weirdness in a Chinatown grocery store.

Insert blow job joke here.

I love this city.

Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Oh My

No, I do not have a Myspace page, I don't want to catch up with you on Twitter, and I absolutely refuse to drink the Facebook koolaid. (If you can get me an awesome job, I will, however, get LinkedIn with your ass.) If you're my friend or family member, I already keep up with you. It's what I'm best at. And I think this blog is more than enough public online presence. So pretty please stop asking me join your shit.

But DO send me links to your photos! I did not know this gem from my birthday had been public since July. Since it is too late to hide from the embarrassment, I thought it would be perfect to mock myself with some ghetto "Matrix" photoshop action! Thanks for putting this (and many other horrific moments) out there, Lori and Bree!

Happy Thursday

My grandfather has been dead over ten years and I find myself missing him a lot recently. According to my mother, he was a harsh patriarchal figure that expected strict adherence to his rules. But I suppose after three kids and retirement, he mellowed to end up a gruff yet doting grandfather -- the sort of grandpa that took me on long drives (all the while whistling with outstanding vibrato) that always ended at Friendly's for corn muffins and OJ.

At some point in the mesozoic age (i.e. my youth), pop started bringing my grandmother random presents. Because these unexpected gestures made her so happy, he enacted a family wide program of "days of the week" gifts for the rest of his life. Sometimes is was something silly like a key chain or a book, but there were things (like the time he crashed the car) as significant as emerald rings!

And what does this have to do with anything? Well last week (this post is a little behind schedule) my good friend Martin gave me a Thursday present for no reason other than he loves me dearly... and thought of me when he saw this ring in a window. (He also remembered my moment of silence during the impromptu trash can burial of my favorite Parisian glass ring that died in a boccie related incident.)

In any case, because he was so sweet and because my grandpa was a schmoopie, I would like to encourage everyone to buy someone a random gift today. Trust me when I tell you it will make them and you very happy.

(Te amo, Martin.)

Bucket List

My friend Mel is fond of calling me "Adventurer" and I suppose I am in many ways. I certainly have a "bucket" list of sorts that includes shooting a gun, snorkeling in crystal clear water and jet skiing.

Tonight I came across a folder of old photos from a past trip to Boise visiting my good friend Randy. (Hi, R! Miss you!) Included in the folder were some videos of our ice blocking shenanigans on Simplot’s Hill. The basic premise involved purchasing a 99 cent block of ice, hauling it to the top of this very large grassy hill and sliding down without breaking our neck. In short, it's just about the stupidest fun thing we could do for under a dollar. Be sure to give this adventure a shot next time you are longing for a summer sledding alternative.

Since we have the technology to finally share videos with ease, I thought you would all get a hoot out of these. The last video was shot while simultaneously attempting to keep my ass ON the tiny ice cube!

Oh, and I also thought you might like to know that some person "drew" a giant penis on the grass of the hill and it's pissing off the locals.

Use The Force

My brother was a huge Star Wars fan and we used to play with all the toys together. My favorite thing was driving the storm troopers around in that little brown cruiser and recreating the bar scene (shocker) with all the space aliens. If anyone was listening to my little girl chatter while I played, I probably sounded a little like this:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Whose Line

I always liked Whose Line Is It Anyway and I just about peed my pants watching this video! Enjoy.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Fatty McFatterson

Tomorrow evening is my first exhibit opening at the new job. The installation has gone well and generally I'm pleased with the outcome of the show. I'm nervous about crowds and potential disasters, but I anticipate an exciting evening of arty weirdos. However at home tonight I was more stressed than I have been all week...over what to wear tomorrow night.

Any girl friend of mine who has patiently suffered one of my legendary fashion meltdowns knows I suffer massive agita over special event outfits. But this evening was something more extreme. Recently someone, (a vindictive petulant childish idiot) who knows exactly how to push my buttons, called me a "fat pig". While totally unnecessary, that statement is not entirely untrue. I AM the heaviest I have ever been and none of my clothes, including fun party dresses, fit. I've had the good fortune to wear the same size since high school but I have to accept now I'm officially an old biddy with a slow bitch of an already lazy metabolism.

Over the past six months I've entertained any number of excuses for not returning to a regular diet and workout routine; I'm sick, I'm having heart palpitations (no joke), I'm too stressed out (hence the palpitations), I'm adjusting to the new job, I don't have health insurance, etc, but I officially hit bottom tonight when my "fat pants" were scandalously snug. Unless I plan to attend future exhibit openings naked or in my bathrobe, the procrastination ends Friday.

I briefly entertained the idea of re-purposing this as an exercise focused blog, but realized I'm too sensitive to withstand constant cyber criticism. However, I do like the idea of being accountable to someone, albeit an invisible audience of five readers. In this respect, I humbly submit these two "before" photos as proof of my commitment.

This one is labeled "My Ass Looks Huge" on Flickr.

I can't believe I'm even sharing this double chin monstrosity.

Now, I'm not looking for a miracle. I've never been thin and I understand the need to set realistic goals like "fit into pants" and "try not to feel like a stuffed sausage" and " stop being the fattest girl at the party". So my plan involves 3-4 mornings at the gym, smaller portions, more water, and less beer! However, any great weight loss tips, suggestions, low calorie recipes, exercise buddies, invites for bike rides or walks, 6am motivational wake up calls, or free personal training sessions are all welcome.

I'll update the collective you in a few weeks, hopefully with a positive outcome. I have a dress and two shirts with tags still waiting for me to lose those ever present ten pounds, but at the moment I'm most concerned with easier breathing in my tight work skirts!

Let's Race....Homing Pigeons?

My sister in law sent me a funny piece of mail...

An application to join the American Racing Pegon Union, Inc!

Nice, Jennifer. Very nice!

What I Did On My Summer Vacation - Part 5

I should relabel this post - What I Ate On My Summer Vacation because all my photos seemed to be of food, starting with FEAST's Island celebration of summer.

Fried calamari, rice and beans, lamb stew, mango upside down cake with guanabana (no idea how to spell that word) sorbet, and ginger beer were consumed by all. I did the dishes.

I traveled up to Albany for labor day weekend and spent Saturday bowling with my man Trevor, whose size 9 man's shoe is now bigger than his 9 year old head!

While his feet are ahead of the curve his eye teeth are still nowhere in sight.

In addition to some hang time with Trev, I was there to visit my extended family at Tony and Kathy's place. All the kids have grown and another one is on the way. My cousin's are certainly covering their share (and mine) of family reproduction.

While the little kids swam the big kids drank beer.

I mostly hid my white ass from the sun and drank black cherry flavored vodka with Jennifer.

Happy birthday, Aunt Kath!

On Monday I cooked the best meal EVER! Panko crusted talapia, homemade mango salsa, spicy chipotle mayo, and white peach sangria. Because Brice doesn't like fish, I also made a spicy stewed chicken, we roasted corn on the grill, Bonnie made guacamole, and Rocco brought Brownies.

BBAMS was fat and happy! Thank you Tyler's Ultimate for the recipe!

THE END

PS - Following right on the heels of my gluttonous end of summer weekend, I shared a dinner of amazing paella with Dita and a ginourmous tub of popcorn with Mike during Tropic Thunder. (Go see this movie ASAP....but go prepared to pee your pants laughing.)

(These photos were too funny to keep to myself -- but I'm dead next time I see either one of these two. )

Around Town

Resurrection?

I think I watched that dancing video twenty times already. It makes me insanely happy and someday I would like to meet Matt for drinks and hear his travel stories. There is something about his endeavor so lacking in pretension that makes me believe in the universal truth of humanity.

Unlike the event I attended tonight...

Don't get me wrong, a big part of me was really excited to spend an evening among "fancy people" drinking free cocktails laced with elder flower liquor and admiring some pretty amusing fashion and art with my friend Monica.

I mean, it's not everyday some chick named Peaches (famous for no reason as far as i can tell), Kelly Osborne, and some "it" model - who purposely changed her name to Agyness Deyn - hangs out with the likes of me. But it was sort of like watching crazy starving exotic animals at the zoo.

Thankfully, my faith in the world was partially restored at the end of the evening by the fabulous view that accompanied my $21 dollar cosmopolitan at The Rainbow Room.

Wherethehellismatt.com

I loved this.

Plug For Peverly

My old co-worker and friend Matt Peverly is playing his first gig with a band this coming Thursday. If you are free, go check him out at Arlene's Grocery.

I mean, any guy that makes a hilarious retarded ad like this is going play a good show!

Joshua Allen Harris

My friend Michelle sent me this link to a video interview by New York Magazine with the artist Joshua Allen Harris. His inflatable art is incredibly playful and inventive and it made me happy even seeing it on video. I can only imagine how excited I would be to walk past one on my everyday travels. (It doesn't hurt that he is adorable too!)

In case you are too lazy to click and watch the interview (cough cough), you can watch this video.