What I Did On My Summer Vacation - Part 1

So, loyal readers, you last left your heroine at her 31st birthday at the Central Park Boathouse, scene of bird shit incident #17. While much time was spent cursing Flickr and repairing the old blog, I didn't rest on my laurels all summer long.

July was a month of transitions. Since my new job had an extraordinarily long probation period, I made sure to build in a week of vacation before beginning my new endeavor. A few free days were spent on my first foray into Little Manhattan, otherwise known as The Hamptons.

Unfortunately, it wasn't the trip I anticipated. While sitting on the bay at night and fishing on the sea bridge were fun, spending an evening among meat-head orange dudes with spiky hair and fake and bake silicone hussies in a dive bar in Yaphank was not exactly what I had in mind.

Thankfully, the remainder of my vacation was spent chilling at our 2nd annual camping extravaganza to Barryville, NY.

Like last year, the majority of our trip involved drinking lots of beer, consuming obscene amounts of meat, playing a bit of Beermitten and sitting around our beautiful artsy fire. We also spent four hours getting pruned up on our float in the Delaware River that was running at negative miles per hour.

However, as is always the case in the life of Miss Banana, a simple camping trip was not without incident. There are toilets at this campsite, but as you can imagine, they are not well maintained, they are humid, dark, and bug infested. Still, I'd rather go number two on an actual toilet than in a hole in the ground.

In any case, on Sunday morning I was hungover and exhausted and had to use the facilities badly. So my friend Lori and I walked down to the closest bathrooms only to discover they were fresh out of toilet paper. Great. So we went to the bathrooms on the other side of the campground. We arrived to a set of toilets with a burned out light bulb with barely enough light to take care of business. I rushed into a stall and skipped my usual TP seat lining ritual because I was desperate and dirty anyway.

So, I conducted business and flushed. I noticed things were not going down well and the toilet was running slow. So I leaned in to jiggle the handle when...

I noticed the horror of all horrors!

Some fucker had shit ON the toilet in the area between the lid and the bottom. You know, that one inch gap between the lid and the seat and the base of a the bowl? (Look at your house toilet and you'll understand.) And it wasn't liquid poo, which would have been bad enough, but this was a solid turd wedged and squished into the space! Who does that? How did they get the turd in there? How did it get so squished up under the lid? How the hell did I not notice this? Stupid burned out light bulb!

So I freaked because I just got my ass in that vicinity and potentially got someone else's poop on my butt! So, needless to say, I got into the gross buggy moldy camp shower and soaped up my ass like I have never soaped it before!

To quote my old friend Drew, "Ahhhhh. Camping."

What I Did On My Summer Vacation
To Be Continued....