The Infamous Poster

This does not translate as a small image, but I wanted to show you this proof of the poster PJ created from my favorite photos from last year. The words on the bottom now read "Nobody Puts Banana In A Corner" and it looks pretty sweet. You can blow this up by clicking on the image, but you'll have to come to my living room to see the real deal.

Thanks again, Peaches.

An Email From Dad

This one is for you!!!
Love, Dad

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubs and bushes. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But
let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

What I Did On My Summer Vacation - Part 4

My blur of social events did not ease through the middle of August. Like last year, my crew spent a lovely day drinking at vineyards on a Zog Sports trip to Long Island. Alas, I left my camera at home so there are no photos, but this is probably a good thing because I got heroically drunk (must have been the sun). If you ever have the chance to get out that way, be sure to stop at Peconic Bay Winery. They are very knowledgeable the wine was really great.

Like most of you, I became obsessed with Michael Phelps (who I swear looks like my cousin Daniel) and the Nastia Lukin vs Mighty Mouse saga of the Olympics. Thankfully, my good friend Michelle was in town for a few days to help me cheer for team USA.

She also dragged me away from the TV one night to try Mario Batali's pizza joint, Otto.

I had the Pene Frattau pizza, which is pecorino cheese and egg with added prosciutto (on the recommendation of our waiter). Foodies are brilliant because adding a fried yolk made this combination damn tasty. It was breakfast and pizza in one delicious bite.

I finally got around to organizing an actual Adopt A Neighborhood this month to the Bronx Zoo and Arthur Avenue. I was horrified to see that peacocks have become the new pigeons. They boldly strutted around the picnic areas and stupid humans fed them bits of french fries and chicken fingers. That can not be good for a bird's digestion! Good thing they don't fly high enough to crap on me!

Thankfully, we left the nasty beasts behind to visit the really bored polar bear...

some pretty monkeys ...

zebras...

and kissey fish.

We ended our day at the 4:00pm tiger feeding and enrichment program.

The keepers entice the tiger to perform certain tasks in order to check her paws and ensure her health. When she got into this pose, I had a moment when I imagined what it must have been like for poor Roy (or was it Siegfried?). In addition to small bits of meat, the cat receives a bloodcicle for her cooperation. Gross.

You can see my full set of animal photos here.

The end of our exploration took us to the "real" Little Italy on Arthur Ave. We made it just in time to buy some sausages and balsamic vinegar at the Italian market (under the watchful eye of the pope).

While we were scheduled to go for family style Italian dinner at Dominick's, they were apparently back in the old country for the summer. So we ended up at Umberto's Clam House where Beth got the biggest piece of lasagna I've ever set eyes on.

The following week was busy with a networking event, an end of season party for my kickball team (we won best team name for Kicker, I Don't Even Know Her), and a trip to MOMA with Bonnie to see the Dali exhibit and listen to music in the sculpture garden.


Not to be outdone by my weekday activities, my weekend was no less crazy. Friday night I went with some new friends to The Brooklyn Brewery for $4 beers. It's a great place to order a pizza, play some cards and sample their on site only specialty brews.

Saturday I revisited my days at Nova by attending a toga party in Astoria. That's right. I said toga party, bitches.

In addition to walking around in a pink satin bed sheet, (it just wasn't the same as the Budweiser sheet I used back in the day) my friend Gillian attempted to put laurel leaves in my hair.

Her attempt was about as successful as me trying to help Rob make a toga and somehow giving him a bed sheet diaper instead.

I capped off my summer weekend with a long overdue trip to Water Taxi Beach where the beers were cold and the views of Manhattan were spectacular.




What I Did On My Summer Vacation
To Be Continued....

PJ Cracks My Shit Up

Sometimes PJ sends me the funniest shit and I wind up trying to silently cackle at my desk until tears pour down my face. (My new co-workers think there is something wrong with me.) Since he is uber lazy about maintaining his own blog, I'm going to consider this my first "guest blog" and post his emails from today.

Read at my desk at 10am this morning:

I see this ad on the Metro all the time and it never fails to make me laugh.

"This is what Jerimah does in his spare time
Imagine what he does at work!"

...call's Mom to remind her to stay out of his "Command Center/apartment" in her basement.
... discusses this weekend's D&D tournament with co-workers
... finds clever ways of working Monty Python quotes into annual budget report.
... scouring internet on lunch break in search of girlfriend who is as into manga comics as he is.

Sent to me moments ago:

Put on an "adult diaper" and click on this link:
http://renz-o.blogspot.com/

What I Did On My Summer Vacation - Part 3

August was a super busy social month. I had back to back events or outings for almost two weeks straight. In addition to sampling the fare at Fredrick's Downtown with Liz during restaurant week, BBAMS checked The 21 Club off the list of "to visit" New York institutions we created over brunch at the Central Park Boathouse.

The next day I traveled home for my good friend (and loyal reader) Sue's wedding. She looked beautiful and so happy!

The reception was hours after the ceremony so I had time to stop and take photos of the amazing post rain sky above the minuscule Albany skyline.

It was great spending time at the reception with my oldest friends in the entire world, Melissa and Jen (momma of The Peanut) and admiring the beautiful upstate woodsy sunset.

I got back from the wedding just in time for my Sunday night kickball game. I played a quick five week season with Zog Sports and met a whole bunch of nice new friends.

The next day I woke up at 6am to make a three hour train out to East Hampton for a work retreat. My boss had the entire staff up for a day at the beach and gourmet meals he made himself from organic farms near his beautiful home. THIS is the Hamptons I wanted to see on my first visit.

Even though I was totally exhausted, I dragged myself out the next night to a Mets game with Martin. We won free tickets the week before at a DJ Rocco charity event and I wasn't about to let them go to waste.

Since the Roxy closed over a year ago, there hasn't been indoor roller skating anywhere in New York. So when I read about Lola Star's Dreamland Roller Rink opening in Coney Island, I was there two days later with my adventurous friend Melissa.

Rollerskating was fun but we discovered that Coney Island on a Friday night is a free freak show.
We had a blast surreptitiously taking photos of the locals.

We also discovered the Hot Nosh Kosher Kart. It's almost as weird as the animatronic vomiting guy I discovered last year.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation
To Be Continued....

What I Did On My Summer Vacation - Part 2

Most of July was spent getting settled in to my new job. There has been a major improvement in my mental health with a thirty minute commute to a low stress environment interacting with normal professional museum staff. Turns out, my old job realized they were up shit creek without a paddle and offered me free lance work one day a week until they replace me. It's been nice making play money while helping my friends... but then walking away from all the drama.

I was also pleasantly surprised to discover Mel and I are now work neighbors. Both of us realized we know little to nothing about Tribecca and Soho and have taken it upon ourselves to visit local watering holes and restaurants in an ongoing mini two person Adopt A Neighborhood.

In addition to beers, our adventures have taken us on rambles down the entire west side of the island all the way to Battery Park. The best part of this location is the uncrowded fabulous view of the Hudson and New Jersey along the bike path.

Soho is fascinating to me with it's blend of industrial architecture, bullshit upscale stores, gawking tourists, and remnants from its artistic past.

So far, my favorite thing is the plentiful collage graffiti. It's been a feast for my camera.

(Hmmm, this guy seems to think I should go to Peru.)

What I Did On My Summer Vacation
To Be Continued....

What I Did On My Summer Vacation - Part 1

So, loyal readers, you last left your heroine at her 31st birthday at the Central Park Boathouse, scene of bird shit incident #17. While much time was spent cursing Flickr and repairing the old blog, I didn't rest on my laurels all summer long.

July was a month of transitions. Since my new job had an extraordinarily long probation period, I made sure to build in a week of vacation before beginning my new endeavor. A few free days were spent on my first foray into Little Manhattan, otherwise known as The Hamptons.

Unfortunately, it wasn't the trip I anticipated. While sitting on the bay at night and fishing on the sea bridge were fun, spending an evening among meat-head orange dudes with spiky hair and fake and bake silicone hussies in a dive bar in Yaphank was not exactly what I had in mind.

Thankfully, the remainder of my vacation was spent chilling at our 2nd annual camping extravaganza to Barryville, NY.

Like last year, the majority of our trip involved drinking lots of beer, consuming obscene amounts of meat, playing a bit of Beermitten and sitting around our beautiful artsy fire. We also spent four hours getting pruned up on our float in the Delaware River that was running at negative miles per hour.

However, as is always the case in the life of Miss Banana, a simple camping trip was not without incident. There are toilets at this campsite, but as you can imagine, they are not well maintained, they are humid, dark, and bug infested. Still, I'd rather go number two on an actual toilet than in a hole in the ground.

In any case, on Sunday morning I was hungover and exhausted and had to use the facilities badly. So my friend Lori and I walked down to the closest bathrooms only to discover they were fresh out of toilet paper. Great. So we went to the bathrooms on the other side of the campground. We arrived to a set of toilets with a burned out light bulb with barely enough light to take care of business. I rushed into a stall and skipped my usual TP seat lining ritual because I was desperate and dirty anyway.

So, I conducted business and flushed. I noticed things were not going down well and the toilet was running slow. So I leaned in to jiggle the handle when...

I noticed the horror of all horrors!

Some fucker had shit ON the toilet in the area between the lid and the bottom. You know, that one inch gap between the lid and the seat and the base of a the bowl? (Look at your house toilet and you'll understand.) And it wasn't liquid poo, which would have been bad enough, but this was a solid turd wedged and squished into the space! Who does that? How did they get the turd in there? How did it get so squished up under the lid? How the hell did I not notice this? Stupid burned out light bulb!

So I freaked because I just got my ass in that vicinity and potentially got someone else's poop on my butt! So, needless to say, I got into the gross buggy moldy camp shower and soaped up my ass like I have never soaped it before!

To quote my old friend Drew, "Ahhhhh. Camping."

What I Did On My Summer Vacation
To Be Continued....